revivalproject | I didn't mean for it to happen

Entry tags:

I didn't mean for it to happen

WHO: Billy, Tommy, Bucky/The Soldier, OTA
WHERE: Temba, YA House
WHAT: The aftermath
WHEN: Early June
WARNINGS: TBD

The Return & What Follows (for Tommy)

Billy screamed, and the world dissolved. The Shadow had shielded him from the worst of it, assaulted by those memories in a non stop barrage for however long they were in there, but now he remembered it all. He dimly registered he was back in his calibration room, hoping he'd managed to release the others before he collapsed heavily onto the floor. He shouldn't have been able to perform that level of magic here. And whatever had allowed it abruptly cut it off with his return, utterly drained from the experience.

He was unconscious, in and out of nightmares for days before he finally jolted awake in a cold sweat, practically tumbling from the bed in his race to the bathroom to retch.

What had he done?

Avoidance [OTA]

Even after he awoke, Billy didn't want to leave the house. He was ashamed and scared, and used the excuse of resting for far longer than was true.

A few faces managed to hunt him down there, and it wasn't like Billy could turn them away, eventually relenting and breaking down a few of those barriers.

After that it was a little easier to venture out. It took a few smaller outing before he was able to get as far as the Hospital, but there at least he could focus on work.

(For Bucky/The Soldier)

Billy knew he probably wanted to stay hidden away as much as he did right now, but after what they'd been through together in the other world, he trusted the man to help him with this. Tommy and the others would refuse, but he was confident Bucky would understand. And he needed to apologize.

His magic was still weak, but it led him to the general location where he was meant to be. Billy couldn't quite meet his eye when he found him, swallowing thickly and looking uncomfortable.

"...Hey. Could we talk?"

Apology- Network- Text

I can't begin to make up for what I put you all through this last month. I had no right, and I'm so sorry you all got caught up in this mess.

I know that doesn't begin to make it right.

They did something to me. Like Calibrations...but worse. I don't know how. And I'm not trying to make excuses for what I did but- I'm scared they'll do it again. To any of us. I thought people should know.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The Soldier wasn't what one would call social at the best of times. After having the world around them rewritten — having his very memories overwritten — he definitely didn't much desire to be around anyone at all. He definitely possessed the skills to keep it that way too. Maybe his most recently chosen hideaway wasn't the most comfortable but that hardly mattered; it was secure and defensible. He didn't need more than that.

Except when he did and it brought him out to forage around the ruined parts of the city. At least the weather was decent enough this time.

And he should have expected that Billy would seek him out he supposed, in time if not right away. Something twisted up in his head about it but this wasn't a conversation to avoid by walking away. As it was Billy looked miserable; making him feel worse seemed unnecessarily cruel.

Even so, he definitely didn't have the social skills of his time in that world, and the pause was a little too long. Finally he jerked his head in the general direction of a half collapsed building, an invitation to follow. It wasn't much different from other half collapsed buildings, but the interior at least offered some privacy and a place to sit.

If Billy would follow, of course. That remained to be seen.

That long pause made Billy shift his weight uncomfortably, looking for a moment like he might try to retreat and pretend like nothing happened, cheeks flush with nerves by the time he jerked his head.

The silence was a bit unnerving compared to the Bucky he'd known in the other world, but he'd never really gotten to know him here, had he?

He followed after him a bit uncertainly, eyes flitting about the building once they were inside like he was afraid to broach the silence again, and it took him a moment to work up the courage.

"...Do um...do you still go by Bucky here?" he asked, having a distant memory that maybe he didn't, but of course that's how he remembers him.

Maybe the building wasn't the best place to bring Billy, he recognized in retrospect; he looked miserable. The Soldier forced his shoulders to relax, trying to own his posture. The familiar ease of his existence in that other world felt like it was just beyond his reach; he couldn't quite manage it.

Well, hopefully he wouldn't manage to scare off Billy, who looked half like he was ready to bolt. He almost started to say something — what could he even say? — when Billy spoke.

Of course it was the name conversation. It always came down to that. "I don't have a name," he replied. If Billy got the impression from the way he said it that it was a conversation he'd had — and disliked — several times by now, he wouldn't be wrong. "You can call me the Soldier, if you require a designation."

After another long pause he sat, which was the whole reason behind coming inside in the first place. "I won't hurt you, you know."

If it was a conversation he'd had before, he was probably also used to the look it prompted in Billy. quietly startled, and a little sad. For them it least it had only been a few days ago that he'd seen that smile that came from interacting with Bucky, and not Cap. But Billy nodded, not arguing. It wasn't fair to tell someone else what they had to be called, even if it made him uncomfortable, and he looked a little apologetic for asking, given how tired The Soldier looked with answering.

He looked surprised then at his assurance, head tilting as he moved to sit as well. "I didn't think you would," Billy said, sounding dead sure about that at least. He thought he might be mad, understandably so, but it hadn't occurred to him to be afraid in that way. Maybe that wasn't smart, but that trust had carried over. "I just- I feel bad. About...everything," he mumbled, by way of explanation for his skittishness.

If only everyone else approached the name thing with the same respect, honestly.

He shrugged when Billy sat. I'm very good at it, he could say. I believe it's the reason the Agrii keep me here, as he could find no other explanation for his presence, when both the Agrii and the Atroma proved that they could find other versions of him. Less broken versions of him. "Some people need the reassurance," he explained instead, because he didn't want to hurt people. He just was very good at it.

Head tilted slightly to the side, he studied Billy for a long moment. "Did you voluntarily set out to do it?"

His brow creased a little with the explanation, mind struggling to fit the two versions of him together when Billy was sure this was a man he trusted with his life.

Billy shook his head softly, looking conflicted . "...No. But I still did it."

And if this...Soldier, was anything like the Bucky from back home, then he felt especially horrible for messing with his mind.

There it was: guilt, or something like it. The weight of one's existence pressed down on shoulders, compacted and weaponized in a way it never should have been. The Soldier wouldn't wish such burden on anyone, not in the way he's deeply, intimately familiar with it.

"Yes, you did," he said quietly, into the stretched out space between them. "And you can't change that fact, even if you wanted to. But I think I understand more than anyone else what it is to be pulled out of your own mind and made to do something."

Was it uncomfortable? Highly, especially with the fact that those memories of the fake reality were more real to Bucky than his own fragmented memories of his actual life. Did Bucky blame Billy for it? How could he, when the Agrii should have never allowed it to happen in the first place. In his eyes, it begged a more important question: how many others had disappeared into those rooms alone only to emerge a few days later? Were they even aware of it? Had it only been noticed this time due to Billy's unique abilities?

"..." Biting at his lip, Billy's conflicted expression turned almost grateful. The Soldier was the first one that didn't insist otherwise, and strangely he needed that acknowledgement. He'd done it, whether he'd meant to, or wanted to didn't matter when the consequences still lived in his head.

He offered an apologetic wince, knowing that understanding made it all the worse for what he'd done to him. "...How um...how are you dealing with everything? Being back...?" he ventured.

It was almost painful, that gratitude. No one should be thankful for understanding what it was like to be forced into something against one's will.

He shrugged. "What happened doesn't change what I do here." Train. Explore. Survive. Wait for an opportunity to escape, to break free of the Agrii's hold. He was a weapon; he meant to keep himself sharp so that when opportunity arose, he would be ready.

"I may start casting my explorations further," he finally ventured. "In search of more information about this place. And more defense against it."

Better that, than the contemplation of how complete a person he'd been in that illusion, and what was still missing now.

"...I still owe you that bike," Billy ventured, a small smile breaking his features. He wasn't sure how well acknowledging that life would be received. Maybe it was better not to mention it at all?

"I uh...I kind of have a favour to ask of you. If you're willing..."

The Soldier frowned, but the expression was contemplative more than anything else. Sorting through his thoughts wasn't the easiest on the best day; confronting the fact that the fake memories were more complete than anything real wasn't exactly comfortable for him. "I thought I told you that you didn't. That insurance covered it." Would it even be useful here? He didn't think so, considering there would be no way to refuel it, so the thought exercise of having it was moot.

He wasn't expecting a request of any kind; likely Billy would pick up on his confusion. "Ask, and I will tell you if I am or not."

"Yeah, but- no insurance here," he countered with a pointed look around the run down building. "...So, I still owe you." And give Billy just made a whole city out of his mind, he could probably make a bike that didn't need fuel. Something that ran off sunshine and rainbows, or...something cooler than that, hopefully.

"I uh...I'm scared about what could happen if they try something like that again. I don't want to hurt people again. And um..." It sounded an awful lot like Billy was ramping up to ask The Soldier to take him out. He reached into his bag and pulled out a strange looking collar. "...If something happens, and I go out of control...would you put this on me? It's a suppressor."

"Thought you owed Cap," he replied. "That's not me." Furthest thing from, considering HYDRA made most of what he was.

(Though if Billy wanted an unlimited naturally occurring resource, there was always spite.)

He listened patiently through the explanation. He could understand it, the commitment it presented. The trust. The vulnerability too that came from making the request, from admitting it could be needed. He reached for the collar without hesitation; Billy needed confidence, that was plain to see. "I've made similar requests myself. I will do this for you."

"I owed...Bucky," he countered, trailing off uncertainly since The Soldier could obviously offer the same argument. He glanced away, not sure what to make of that friendship they'd established there. Was he stupid to think any of that carried over? Was that selfish to hope for when he was the one who forced them into that world?

Billy looked relieved when he took the collar from him. "Just-...don't let Tommy know you have it. I made it so he shouldn't be able to break it, but...he's got a past with this kind of thing, and he won't like knowing I made it, let alone that I asked you to use it on me."

"That name doesn't belong to me," he said finally. "And you don't need to owe me." He paused, because despite what happened in that other world, Billy had wanted to know the man behind the shield. "But maybe you can know me. Instead."

He nodded gravely, fingers exploring the surface of the collar. "I can promise you that nothing will stop me, if it comes to it." A beat. "And I will keep this promise between us."

Edited (Notices spelling errors an hour later) 2021-06-09 01:47 (UTC)

Ah. Billy started to nod, ready to accept that as The Soldier properly distancing them, glancing up in hopeful surprise at the follow up.

"...I'd really like to. If you'd let me," he agreed, that smile growing a little.

Between whatever just happened to him, and the rage bugs, there's far more chances for Billy to go rogue than he'd like to imagine. It helped knowing there were people out there who would make sure he didn't hurt anyone. "Thank you...Soldier," he stumbled a bit over the name and flushed apologetically.

"I can try." He looked at Billy for a long moment, but there didn't seem to be anything behind that smile save for caution. And a seeming expectation of not being wanted — or was that the impression of the other world bleeding in? "I'm not good at it," he warned finally. "Just so you know."

It was the truth, as far as he saw it. Social skills were definitely lacking, though he could pretend for at least a little while.

"You don't have to thank me," he replied, choosing not to acknowledge the verbal fumble. Billy was trying. "It is not an easy thing, to ask someone to disable you. It's worse when you know how powerful you can be, and how much you can hurt the person trying."

He looked away finally, turning his gaze in the direction of the entrance. They were alone, but he still didn't trust this place. "They've proven that they can do it once. That means they can do it again. That knowledge can be hard to reconcile."

"I'm not great at it either," he offered a bit shyly. Not for the same reasons exactly, but they'd made friends fast enough before...some part of that had to be based off real compatibility, didn't it?

"I mean...it's a lot to ask of someone." Not easy for either of them.

Billy followed Bucky's gaze, looking a bit anxious, but it didn't seem as though there was any immediate threat looming. "...this place kinda sucks, huh?"

Maybe they could at least be friendly. Anything more, the Soldier would have to work up to. But maybe it wouldn't be so bad. He could allow himself to have this without negative consequences.

Maybe. It remained to be seen.

"Not when you know what you'd risk by not being contained." The city had been fairly harmless, for the most part. But that didn't mean, should it happen again, that they would be so lucky.

"It does," he agreed, turning his attention back to his companion. "It is made worse by our captors. I don't trust them."

It could have definitely been worse. Billy's brows creased a bit anxiously, and he nodded, knowing what he was capable of if things went wrong. Tommy was still scarred because of that rage bug. And he'd killed Tony, even if it was just for a moment...

"I wanna trust the Agrii, but I don't trust whoever's...pulling their strings."

But that's not exactly uplifting talk.

"...You don't hang around the rest of us much," he noted, not exactly accusing, but curious.

It could always be worse; that much was practically a universal truth. But the Soldier learned long ago not to go courting the worse possibilities, as they had a nasty way of coming to pass. And thoughts of those possibilities could more one down to the point of inaction when action was needed.

Freedom and choice: two powerful forces, but only when actually used.

"Then you're smart, at least." The Soldier didn't bother to hide his disdain for the Agrii. "Either they're playing at being manipulated, which makes them the opposite of our allies. Or they're actually being manipulated, which makes them a liability." He paused. "Or they're the equivalent of children playing with technology they don't understand." Not that the possibility was mutually exclusive to his other suppositions.

"I don't," he confirmed, deliberately not answering the unspoken question. Either Billy would ask plainly, or he wouldn't. But he would ask a question of his own in the meantime. "Does that bother you?"

Billy gave a small snort, not sure if that was true. He was regularly too trusting, and had got bit more than enough time to still be as stubbornly hopeful as he could be at times.

"...No. I mean...I get it? The Billy you met in there was...pretty much me. Just...no powers. I dunno how much you remember, but...I wasn't exactly a social butterfly." Not that he suspects the Soldier is shy exactly, but he understood the impulse to hang back. "I just...I dunno, I thought after so long here that must get...lonely?"

Between the two of them: one too trusting, one too distrustful. Together they almost approached normalcy, or whatever passed for it in this place.

"I remember it," he confirmed quietly. "All of it." Better than he knew his own life. How much of that, of the life he remembered as a younger Bucky Barnes, actually echoed his own life? He didn't know, and he got lost for a moment in his own contemplation of it.

"You don't bring a gun to the dinner table," he said finally, "unless you mean to shoot it."

Any luck and they might some good habits from one another.

That quiet tone drew Billy's guilty expression out again, not sure if that was good, or bad, but it definitely seemed to affect him in some serious way.

He looked genuinely confused a moment, head tilting before he frowned, "...Are you supposed to be the gun in that analogy?"

Good habits? Don't know her.

He didn't notice that guilty expression, too lost in his own thoughts. Maybe it was a good thing; maybe not. The mere fact of being comfortable enough to get lost in his thoughts was a novel idea.

To Billy's question, he might have given the impression of rolling his eyes without actually rolling them. "Why do you think you're here?" he asked in lieu of answering. "I mean you, specifically."

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