I didn't mean for it to happen

[wearingthestars]

WHO: Billy, Tommy, Bucky/The Soldier, OTA
WHERE: Temba, YA House
WHAT: The aftermath
WHEN: Early June
WARNINGS: TBD



The Return & What Follows (for Tommy)

Billy screamed, and the world dissolved. The Shadow had shielded him from the worst of it, assaulted by those memories in a non stop barrage for however long they were in there, but now he remembered it all. He dimly registered he was back in his calibration room, hoping he'd managed to release the others before he collapsed heavily onto the floor. He shouldn't have been able to perform that level of magic here. And whatever had allowed it abruptly cut it off with his return, utterly drained from the experience.

He was unconscious, in and out of nightmares for days before he finally jolted awake in a cold sweat, practically tumbling from the bed in his race to the bathroom to retch.

What had he done?

Avoidance [OTA]

Even after he awoke, Billy didn't want to leave the house. He was ashamed and scared, and used the excuse of resting for far longer than was true.

A few faces managed to hunt him down there, and it wasn't like Billy could turn them away, eventually relenting and breaking down a few of those barriers.

After that it was a little easier to venture out. It took a few smaller outing before he was able to get as far as the Hospital, but there at least he could focus on work.

(For Bucky/The Soldier)

Billy knew he probably wanted to stay hidden away as much as he did right now, but after what they'd been through together in the other world, he trusted the man to help him with this. Tommy and the others would refuse, but he was confident Bucky would understand. And he needed to apologize.

His magic was still weak, but it led him to the general location where he was meant to be. Billy couldn't quite meet his eye when he found him, swallowing thickly and looking uncomfortable.

"...Hey. Could we talk?"

Apology- Network- Text

I can't begin to make up for what I put you all through this last month. I had no right, and I'm so sorry you all got caught up in this mess.

I know that doesn't begin to make it right.

They did something to me. Like Calibrations...but worse. I don't know how. And I'm not trying to make excuses for what I did but- I'm scared they'll do it again. To any of us. I thought people should know.

Comments

[sinistral]

"Don't think about apologizing," he said on seeing that wince. "That's not why I'm telling you this. And our stories are different anyway."

After a pause to make sure it sank in, he continued his narrative. "He found me, of course. Told me that I needed to tell him my history, everything HYDRA did to make me the way I was. From what I gathered, where he came from, he was Captain America. Steve Rogers was the Winter Soldier, and I suppose he wanted to know what goes into making someone into what I was. He got mad when I refused to share something so... personal. It doesn't matter, that part doesn't matter."

He sighed, running his hand through his hair to comb it back from his face. "I was the one who asked, before we parted, what name he used. He said that he wanted Bucky." A wry expression twisted the Soldier's lips, before he forced his face back to its neutral, expressionless state. "That was when I gave up the name I tried to make my own. I have not taken a name since. I use Soldat, Soldier, out of the necessity of others needing a designation."

[wearingthestars]

Billy tried to look as though he definitely wasn't about it try and do just that, but it wasn't far convincing.

He listened, and frowned as the Soldier spoke.

"...That's not fair," he concluded, "For him to ask that of you. Or for you to feel forced to give up your name. It's still yours..." No one could force him to use it, but he shouldn't be forced not to use it either.

[sinistral]

Clearly they'd need to work on Billy's poker face too.

"Is it mine?" He shook his head. "It didn't really feel like mine. I read it in a museum: James Buchanan Barnes. It didn't feel like mine. Being called the Winter Soldier felt more real than that. Doesn't that say something?"

[wearingthestars]

Very much not his strong suit.

"It's yours if you want it." It was complicated. More than complicated. "...People all ready took it from you. It's yours to take back, or leave, but no one else gets to decide that for you."

[sinistral]

"Perhaps. But not yet." After a long moment, he sat on the floor, back to the wall. Patted the ground next to him, exactly as he had done after he and Billy dove off a motorcycle to avoid a crash.

"I don't remember it as mine. I don't remember using it, don't remember the time before I was the Winter Soldier. If — when — I make it mine again, I want it to be because I remember, not because I read it somewhere, or was told by someone. I want it to be me."

[wearingthestars]

Billy smiled softly at the familiar gesture, and moved to join him.

"...That's fair. I get that." It wasn't the same, but there were times Billy thought he remembered pieces of his first life. He didn't know what was real and what he'd been told or imagined over time.

"We could work on that...if you wanted? Trying to remember?"

[sinistral]

Maybe the city wasn't all bad. Not that he'd ever voice that; it was far too complicated. But not bad.

"Most people don't." But most people had a sense of who they were. Most people hadn't been wiped clean the way he was.

He eyed Billy carefully, gauging the offer. "Like training?" he said finally, with a faint smile.

[wearingthestars]

"I get it as much as I can, at least," he amended.

"Heh, uh, yeah sure, if you wanna think of it that way. Fair trade. And it gives me extra reason to come bug you out here."

[sinistral]

"Because you tried." Some people he'd encountered didn't. Others simply couldn't get over the fact that he didn't match what they expected. Either way it was uncomfortable.

"No holes in the ceiling here," he noted. Not much in interesting interior either, but he could make it work. It wasn't like he needed anything much in amenities. "So I guess you could find me here."

[wearingthestars]

"My mom's a psychologist. My...real mom. (Complicated). Back home. Kinda rubbed off on me a bit I guess?" He shrugged dismissively. He tried. But he also held everyone hostage for a month, so...eh.

"...Could use a coat of paint," he teased with a glance around, but nodded, "Fits the criteria. Guess I know where to look for you. For a while at least."

[sinistral]

"Has nothing to do with that." Psychology or not, Billy just listened with an open mind. That helped more than anything else. And perhaps his city had helped most of all, given that it brought them together enough for Billy to seek him out here.

The Soldier looked around the interior was a dirty sort of brownish-grey, not uncommon in this place. "You know if you ask for paint, they're going to send something eye-searingly pink. I'll take it as is." He didn't address the idea that he'd leave it eventually. Billy knew how to find him. And how to just ask.

[wearingthestars]

"Heh- I dunno, maybe it's just the weird loner kid thing. We're compatible."

"You now you're talking to a guy who can alter reality?" Billy countered with a small smile. Not that he had the energy to do interior design right now. "...I guess it's all right. Ticks all the boxes."

[sinistral]

"Maybe." Loner certainly described him. And weird too, he supposed. Beyond that he hoped they didn't have much in common, because he didn't like the idea of Billy experiencing trauma or pain on the level that he did. There didn't seem to be a good way to ask though, so he kept quiet about those thoughts.

"No. I'm talking to a... friend. One who is probably tired from being made to use his magic on a large scale, for a long time." The Soldier looked at Billy carefully, considering. It was no small gesture for him to use the word friend, just like it was no small gesture to allow Billy to see the place he'd use as a shelter. "I don't require more than this."

[wearingthestars]

All things considered Billy'd had a pretty good life compared to what the Soldier had been through. Or many of his friends. But he had his share of bad too. Some of it might come out over time.

His face brightened, glancing over curiously at that term and smiling. A friend. He liked that. "...Mmm, well just a warning then, I tend to like to take care of my friends. So...you'll have to get used to at least a little bit of that."

[sinistral]

Maybe some day. The Soldier could hold secrets, if needed — and that didn't just mean the holes in his memory.

But maybe the pain was worth it, in a way, to see the way Billy brightened. The Soldier could recognize happiness and contentment in others, though he had a hard time parsing it for himself.

"You don't need to, you know." He shrugged and absolutely did not look embarrassed. "I'm used to less. Having too much comfort, it— I don't do well with it."

[wearingthestars]

"Yeah, I know, but...I like to." So- if he refused he'd really being denying Billy, not himself. No need to be embarrassed. "You can tell me off if I over do it, I promise, but it makes me happy."

Billy didn't like that it was something the Soldier was used to going without.

[sinistral]

He sat in silence for a long moment, considering Billy's words and his own feelings about the situation. The problem was that Billy honestly seemed like a good person, not unlike how he appeared in the illusion world.

"Power, talent like that... it could be used for a lot of things. Especially in a place like this. I would caution you to ensure that your willingness to do things like that does not get turned into a feeling of obligation." A beat. "If I had to have a conversation with someone who was taking advantage, they would not enjoy it."

[wearingthestars]

Lips quirking softly, Billy gave a short nod and crossed and 'x' over his heart. "...Promise. Outside of any tampering with my mind, any magic I do, I'll do because I want."

It was touching that the Soldier seemed to care so much. Given the nature of his magic not a lot of people really thought too hard about it, sometimes including Billy himself. "...I appreciate you looking out for me though."

[sinistral]

"And if something does tamper with your mind, I will stop you." With the collar, with restraint if necessary. "And then I'll stop them." From the tone of his voice, it would be rather a violent stopping.

Talk to the hand, anyone?

"Someone has to." The Soldier leaned back against the wall, raising a hand to point out the features of his chosen shelter. "Look at the angles, the sightlines. The advantage is with the person inside, who has a good angle on both entrances as long as he remains in the back third of the space. See?"

[wearingthestars]

Between the Solider, Tommy, and Lauri-Ell, Billy had gathered quite the little security force. He flushed, believing him, however impossible it might seem after what happened.

He looked to follow the gesture, head tilting as he tried to see things the way the Soldier did, nodding fainting. "...I think so," he concluded after a moment, "...You're always ready for a fight, aren't you?"

[sinistral]

"I am," he confirmed, dropping his hand. "I don't want to be. But I can't walk into a room and not immediately assess the potential threats therein. I can't meet a person without evaluating how I'd disable him. It's how I've been programmed." He didn't like it, knew that it made him less person and more weapon. But in a place like this, it could be useful.

[wearingthestars]

"It sounds exhausting." It wasn't accusing, just an observation. Like a very specialized kind of anxiety. "...How would you disable me?" Billy asked with a curious tilt of his head, "If you didn't have the collar."

[sinistral]

"As exhausting as going through introductions and small talk every time you meet someone?" Different experiences, different definitions of normal.

There was no hesitation I
the reply. "You're close enough for me to have my hand around your throat before you could move against me. Cutting off your air supply until you pass out would be the kindest way." He shrugged. "Assuming that physical damage is not the objective, and therefore must be minimized."

[wearingthestars]

He laughed softly. "Fair."

Billy nodded, fingers unconsciously brushing over his throat. "...That would probably work," he agreed. "I might try to shock you," he warned, waggling his fingers to show a few arcs of electricity. It wasn't a power he showed off often here, and within the confines of the hypothetical it might be one the Soldier was willing to suffer through in the time it took to knock him out.

"My spells don't tend to work if I can't hear them. Or speak them," he added, wanting to give him as much information to work with if things ever did go wrong again.

[sinistral]

"I've been shocked before." He doubted that Billy would willingly generate the kind of charge needed to wipe him the way HYDRA did — at least not before the Soldier could disable him.

"So you're telling me to box your ears and gag you," he deadpanned; coming from someone else it might sound silly. The Soldier simply catalogued the information, because he couldn't not catalog the information. "Do you not feel vulnerable, telling me your weaknesses? If I was to be triggered, you might never know I was after you until it was too late."