I didn't mean for it to happen

[wearingthestars]

WHO: Billy, Tommy, Bucky/The Soldier, OTA
WHERE: Temba, YA House
WHAT: The aftermath
WHEN: Early June
WARNINGS: TBD



The Return & What Follows (for Tommy)

Billy screamed, and the world dissolved. The Shadow had shielded him from the worst of it, assaulted by those memories in a non stop barrage for however long they were in there, but now he remembered it all. He dimly registered he was back in his calibration room, hoping he'd managed to release the others before he collapsed heavily onto the floor. He shouldn't have been able to perform that level of magic here. And whatever had allowed it abruptly cut it off with his return, utterly drained from the experience.

He was unconscious, in and out of nightmares for days before he finally jolted awake in a cold sweat, practically tumbling from the bed in his race to the bathroom to retch.

What had he done?

Avoidance [OTA]

Even after he awoke, Billy didn't want to leave the house. He was ashamed and scared, and used the excuse of resting for far longer than was true.

A few faces managed to hunt him down there, and it wasn't like Billy could turn them away, eventually relenting and breaking down a few of those barriers.

After that it was a little easier to venture out. It took a few smaller outing before he was able to get as far as the Hospital, but there at least he could focus on work.

(For Bucky/The Soldier)

Billy knew he probably wanted to stay hidden away as much as he did right now, but after what they'd been through together in the other world, he trusted the man to help him with this. Tommy and the others would refuse, but he was confident Bucky would understand. And he needed to apologize.

His magic was still weak, but it led him to the general location where he was meant to be. Billy couldn't quite meet his eye when he found him, swallowing thickly and looking uncomfortable.

"...Hey. Could we talk?"

Apology- Network- Text

I can't begin to make up for what I put you all through this last month. I had no right, and I'm so sorry you all got caught up in this mess.

I know that doesn't begin to make it right.

They did something to me. Like Calibrations...but worse. I don't know how. And I'm not trying to make excuses for what I did but- I'm scared they'll do it again. To any of us. I thought people should know.

Comments

[wearingthestars]

Billy hesitated, and maybe it was naive, but he despite the obvious implication of the question he answered- "...to help people."

He wasn't doing a great job of it right now, but...

He frowned a little, and glanced at his fingertips. Was that stupid? Were they just using him like some kind of tool?

[sinistral]

Perhaps contrary to expectation, the Soldier nodded. That was likely why they were all here, in the grand scheme of things: to help the Agrii, or whoever was behind them. What they didn't know was the big picture.

"I was a member of the Drift Fleet, before being brought here" he explained quietly. "I've never met you before, nor do I recall reading your name in the crew logs." He paused; Billy could probably tell that he was trying to find the words to explain. "I know of, or have met, four other Bucky Barnes."

[wearingthestars]

Billy didn't entirely seem to be following, but it was clear he was trying to understand. The Drift Fleet was a confusing thing, one he'd never really gotten a clear handle on to start with, and maybe that was why he looked so uncertain.

He knew the mind fuck that came from being confronted with other versions of yourself, though probably not quite as intimately as the Soldier, but to Billy's initial interpretation- more versions of him being pulled cemented that he a hero. Didn't it?

"Is that bad? Beyond the obvious...being a total mind trip kind of bad?"

[sinistral]

"Why bother to bring something broken, when you can have something better?" he countered. "Unless you specifically need what the broken thing can do."

Therein was his belief in his presence here: the skills of the Soldier, the assassin, were useful to their captors. For the rest, they just grabbed another person, another version. A less broken version, one who was a person instead of just a weapon.

[wearingthestars]

Oh. Billy's brow creased into an immediate frown.

"You're not-" he started, breaking off as he remembered distinctly how frustrating it was to hear that when you felt that way down to your core.

"...Why do you think you're broken?" he rephrased, chewing on his lip to try and keep too much of his own emotions get wrapped up in that.

[sinistral]

"I am," he replied calmly, as if stating a fact. And it was a fact, at least in his eyes. "I am what HYDRA made me: an assassin. A weapon to be controlled, to be pointed and fired as needed. The Winter Soldier."

He shrugged and shook his head. "Just the Soldier now. Another Bucky took the name Winter. It's not mine."

[wearingthestars]

"Well...is-" Billy wet his lips, not sure he was at all the right person to be dealing with stuff this heavy, he was hardly a professional. "...is that was you want to be now? HYDRA's not here. You don't have to be that if you don't want," he posed. It wasn't as simple as that, he knew, but it was a start.

[sinistral]

"It would be dangerous for all of you if I forgot what I was." He fell quiet for a long moment, hands passing over the collar Billy had given him. Perhaps Billy might understand some of it; he knew that no one would understand the entirety of it.

"Everything HYDRA put in me is still here. Including their control." He paused, then gestured to his own neck. "In the Fleet, we were implanted with control units. The Agrii seem to be using the technology that the Atroma had. That means they can trigger me too."

[wearingthestars]

"That's not what I asked," he noted, but he wasn't going to push.

Billy looked to his neck at the gesture and frowned softly. Obi-Wan had come to him to try and get help for Echo and some sort of mind control implant. But sharing that commonality didn't feel like it was his to give. "Maybe we can stop it? Make sure no one can trigger you?"

[sinistral]

"It is what you need to know," he countered. The knowledge might save a life one day, for all the Soldier knew.

"The unit cannot be removed without killing me." The Atroma had the ability to bring people back from the dead, but he kept that to himself. He wasn't sure if the Agrii knew how to do it, and he didn't want to even voice it on the fear they might decide to try. "And even without HYDRA's influence, it can be used to obtain complete control. There is no way around it. People have tried."

[wearingthestars]

"People with magic?" Probably, Billy didn't know who all had been picked up by the Fleet in that time, but much as Billy's power levels scared him at times, this could be exactly the sort of situation where they were actually useful.

Or maybe he just wanted to be able to offer a real solution.

[sinistral]

"People with magic," he confirmed. "And technology. And both." It was a dim prospect, knowing he'd never be free of the thing.

"But it gives me at least some knowledge of the Atroma, and we know they've crossed paths with the Agrii. That could be important someday. Or perhaps it's my wishful thinking." Not that he was given to flights of fancy, but still.

[wearingthestars]

Billy wilted a little, huffing out a breath through his nose. Okay, so that was maybe a dead end, but they could figure something out. And even if they couldn't, he shouldn't have to live his life in constant fear of being used.

"Yeah, you seem like you're just lousy with wishful thinking," he teased reflexively, and then ducked his head apologetically. Maybe they weren't really there yet. He shouldn't be teasing.

[sinistral]

Billy really didn't need to worry himself about it. The Soldier was self sufficient; he could provide for his own survival outside the community. He was fine.

"It is not something I'm accustomed to doing," he admitted haltingly. "Wishing. Wanting." Still concepts that were foreign to him at times; he knew he struggled with even basic wants. But foreign too was the idea of being teased in a friendly manner, and he didn't quite know what to do with it.

[wearingthestars]

"Should introduce you to Lauri-Ell," Billy muttered fondly, though that probably wasn't a joke he'd get. "...Good a place as any to try it out? Isn't it? Things don't work out, we might not even remember our time here, so why not try and make it good?"

[sinistral]

"A good place to shoulder everyone's expectations?" He shrugged again. "Their beliefs of who and how I should be? The way they ask for what happened to me, the anger when I won't share the story?" As if others were entitled to his life, to what they expected him to be. He couldn't be that person, could barely be a person at all. Figuring it out was something he was trying to do, but others made it far too trying.

[wearingthestars]

Oh jeez, was he doing that too? He looks a little guilty, but still, Billy thought it was fair to push a little further- "Screw everyone else. Just...you know...figure out what you want. If you're happy like this that's cool. But if you want more-"

He shrugged, "I mean don't know, I only officially met you today. I don't get to tell you how to live your life, I just think you're pretty okay. Wouldn't mind seeing you around more. And that's only like 50% in a selfish way. I think."

[sinistral]

"That is what I've been attempting to do." He didn't think he needed to say that the Agrii interference wasn't exactly helpful in that pursuit. Between being sent all overt the place, to the two months he had no true recollection of save some pressing objective, to the continual reminder of his face on others more whole than he, the Soldier didn't exactly have a high opinion of his prospects here.

"I can't be your social butterfly," he answered finally, hesitating as if trying out the thoughts. "But I can be there when you need."

[wearingthestars]

He gives a small laugh at the echoed sentiment from before, and nods. "That's a start," he agreed, and he offered up his pinkie for a swear like he had in the other world. The gesture seemed almost automatic, and he faltered a little, looking bashful and moving to drop it. That was stupid.

[sinistral]

He recognized the gesture from that other place, recognized the meaning behind it from his memories thereof. And while Billy had already started to drop his hand, the Soldier possessed very good reflexes; he caught the limb but instead of linking their fingers, put Billy's hand into his left instead, pressed it there for a moment before letting his right drop away. He didn't touch people with that hand, not unless he had to. It was his own expression of trust to let Billy touch it.

[wearingthestars]

Billy stilled, glancing up with a soft, quizzical look before a tentative understanding seemed to pass over him.

His fingers skimmed lightly over the hand, like it was just as delicate as a flesh and blood one, and he smiled a bit bashfully.

[sinistral]

The Soldier's hand was still under Billy's, letting him explore the texture of the metal plates. He shifted only once, allowing him to see the movement of the mechanism before going still again.

"You don't have to make any promises to me," he said finally. "You don't have to offer me something, for me to help you if you need it."

[wearingthestars]

"...Same," Billy offered sincerely, and he smiled a little easier. This version of the Solider was different, obviously, but he still felt that same...ease that had come with Bucky.

He withdrew his hand finally with a flush. "I won't uh...use my magic to track you again," he promised, "I probably should have just messaged you, but I was afraid you wouldn't want to talk to me."

[sinistral]

"I was wondering how you found me." He was very good at not letting himself be found. Then again seeing who had been seeking him out, he had decided not to disappear.

"You don't have to be afraid of me," he decided. "And you shouldn't have to be afraid of what you can do. Whether you want it or not, those skills are yours. Isn't it your choice how to use them?" Wasn't that a shade of what Billy had tried to tell the Soldier?

[wearingthestars]

"I'm not," Billy promised easily to the first, though he hesitated when it came to his own powers. He bit at his lip, and gave a faint nod. "I'm...working on it," he agreed, a small smile playing on his features.