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[puddledancer]

[Quill's lounging in the curve of a ruin, his feet up on a protruding piece of rock, a drink in one hand as he holds his comm device with the other]

Hey, listen, I know you're all really busy with your Geraldo versus Donahue thing, and that Southern lady's doing her best to be Sally Jesse without the shoulder pads? But I'm gettin' real tired of the daytime talk show, and there's nothing else on here except maybe knockoff Cheers. And your robot Sam doesn't even have a Diane, so it's pretty awful.

I touched that glowy thing in the middle of town and it put some weeeeeeird-ass junk in my head, which, hey, not the first time I touched a magic rock and it did stuff? But I'd love a little more to go on than that.

When you're not busy.

Comments

[puddledancer]

Actually, nope. I just came up with it as a nickname to make me sound badass. My dad was the one with the powers, but he was a total a-hole, so.

[kyley_b]

Oh thank god. Almost everybody here does, dude.

[puddledancer]

I bet that gets real old real fast. "Hey I'm just gonna go walk through this wall, you wanna come with?" "No, buttmunch, I can't, remember?" "Oh right, haha, sucks to be you!"

[kyley_b]

Yes! Dude, there's mutants and space wizards here, and then even the normal humans are all fucking badasses! Like Clarice is FBI and people can use guns and swords and are ninjas or whatever...

You know what I am? A fucking university student! That's literally it!

[puddledancer]

Well, as a normal bonafide squishy human, I am happy to show you how to punch a guy. Or kick someone in the nads. If, you know, you don't already know that shit.

Otherwise I can teach you some other stuff. I was kidnapped by space pirates, you learn some reaaaaal good sneaky shit from space pirates.

[kyley_b]

I can throw a punch and kick balls. My mom's from Jersey. [As if this is an explanation.] And I fought a lot, growing up. But it's not the same as knowing how to REALLY fuck people up.

No way. Why did they kidnap you?! I've been abducted before but it was for a really stupid reason so I don't think it counts.

[puddledancer]

If you wanna head into really territory I could show you a thing or two, but you've got a good solid base.

My dad sent 'em, actually. They were supposed to bring me back to him. All things considered, it turns out it was a real good thing they didn't. Who abducted you?

[kyley_b]

I like that punching is a solid base.

Dude, no offense but your dad sounds like a total deadbeat.

[He groans.] ...pilgrims. They thought I was a Professor of Thanksgiving from DeVry Institute.

[puddledancer]

None taken, he totally was. He showed up like thirty years later and decided he was gonna play some magic glowy space catch with me and talk me into helping him rule the universe. Nope, no thanks.

[the pilgrim thing makes him snortlaugh]

What in the hell?? I've met some dumb-ass aliens in my time but I think you got picked by the winners.

[kyley_b]

Who the fuck thinks they can rule a whole universe?

Ughhhh I knowwwwww. But I also met some Marklars? They're pretty nice.

[puddledancer]

More people than you'd think, space is full of kooks. I can't say I've ever seen a Marklar before, what're they like? Besides nice, I mean. Are they weird colors? Are there extra arms, or eyes? Or like, antennae?

[kyley_b]

That's so stupid.

Oh, they've got really frail bodies and huge heads with no noses. They all look exactly the same, and they replace most nouns with 'marklar.' So if I was gonna say "dude, your dad is a total deadbeat who can't rule the universe" it would be "Marklar, your Marklar is a total marklar who can't rule the marklar."

[puddledancer]

Tell me about it. But, hey, it means job security for my crew and me, since we go around beating them all up.

[his example and the ridiculousness of the language make him laugh. a lot]

Holy shit, that's like ... grade school level dumb. Like when you hear a new word in class that means something totally normal but it sounds dirty, so you start saying it all the time. No. YOU'RE a dipthong!

[kyley_b]

God, maybe your crew can actually FIND us. That would be awesome.

[It's beyond stupid. Kyle starts giggling.] I know! I know, it's so bad. But that's the caliber of alien I'm used to. So, you know, being stuck here on a mysterious alien planet, I'm kinda like... people think we were all selected for our talents but I'm pretty sure the Agrii just drew names out of a hat or something.

[puddledancer]

Wouldn't it? I bet they could. The hyperdrive on our new ship is pretty sick, it's Ravager tech, they can do timeskips and all kinds of shit. If Rocket actually knows how to RUN it ... I mean, Kraglin might, but ... he's not the brightest bulb, so not a lot of money on Kraglin.

[the names out of a hat comment makes him chuckle]

Hey, you know? Maybe that is your gig, though. Maybe they wanted to make sure they had someone who knew how to deal with the stupidass aliens if they ever showed up. You never know. There are all kinds of TV shows and movies and shit where the guy who gets picked to save the world isn't anything special. I mean - I totally thought I was that guy until I found out my Dad was, like, a planet.

[kyley_b]

What's a Ravager? I'm the boring earth dude, remember?

[He shakes his head.] Nah, man. I'm just some dipshit student stuck here with more impressive people.

[puddledancer]

Oh! Right. They're this whole legion of space pirates... they have this code, though, stuff you absolutely can't do, stuff that's too nasty. Honor among thieves, yeah? And they have tribes within the Ravagers, a group of ships that run around together. Mine was run by a guy named Yondu Udonta. Toughest son of a bitch you'd ever meet, but ... everyone knew if you messed with any of us he'd mess you up right back. He had this arrow with a sonic control - he could make it fly and hit any target he wanted just by whistling.

[he mimics Yondu's whistle as best he can, the lilting tones and pauses he used to make to change targets, one hand standing in for the arrow and making cuts through the air]

I once saw him take out a whole rival bandit crew with it. It'd go through the first guy and just - ffft! - keep going.

[kyley_b]

Daaaaamn. So you were just surrounded by badasses. You must be pretty tough if they didn't get sick of you and dump you on some random planet. [Unlike with some of the other residents of Temba, Kyle finds he can't really be jealous of Quill. He's just so likeable.]

[puddledancer]

They did threaten me a lot.

[he dredges up his best Yondu impression, holding tight to the joy of it so he doesn't cry. even with the lump in his throat, it's a passable imitation.]

Goddammit, boah! You know when we first picked you up dem boys wan'd'a EATCHU! They ain' never tasted Terran befoah!

I always knew if he was threatening me with cannibalism he didn't actually mean it.

[kyley_b]

Yeah, but like... that's what you do, you rip on your friends and loved ones. That's just normal.

...did they ever actually eat anybody?

[puddledancer]

Right?! Gamora always gets so confused, but Rocket and I do it all the damn time. Drax ... tries, but he's not very good at it.

And no, we never actually ate anybody. It was mostly a reputation thing, you know? Make people think we're big and scary so it's easy to get what we came for. Yondu was really smart like that.

cw: cannibalism chat

[kyley_b]

At least he's a good sport.

Yeah, yeah I see how that works. ...I know a guy who ate his dad.

oh Scott Tenorman you poor jerk

[puddledancer]

Oh yeah, he's the best sport. He really is. It's just his people are apparently from a world like Lauri-Ell's where they don't know what smiling is, if you know what I mean.

... Wait, what? For real? Dude, that is effed up.

[kyley_b]

I do! Man, she's funny though, Lauri-Ell. I like her.

I mean, he ate his mom too, and it wasn't his fault. Uh, his, uh. Half brother fed them to him without him knowing. So.

[puddledancer]

Yeah, she's great.

[he pales when Kyle explains what happened, though]

Holy SHIT. That kid is effed-up. Please tell me he's in, like insane kid jail or something. Why the hell did he kill his parents?