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[Quill's lounging in the curve of a ruin, his feet up on a protruding piece of rock, a drink in one hand as he holds his comm device with the other]

Hey, listen, I know you're all really busy with your Geraldo versus Donahue thing, and that Southern lady's doing her best to be Sally Jesse without the shoulder pads? But I'm gettin' real tired of the daytime talk show, and there's nothing else on here except maybe knockoff Cheers. And your robot Sam doesn't even have a Diane, so it's pretty awful.

I touched that glowy thing in the middle of town and it put some weeeeeeird-ass junk in my head, which, hey, not the first time I touched a magic rock and it did stuff? But I'd love a little more to go on than that.

When you're not busy.

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Right?! Gamora always gets so confused, but Rocket and I do it all the damn time. Drax ... tries, but he's not very good at it.

And no, we never actually ate anybody. It was mostly a reputation thing, you know? Make people think we're big and scary so it's easy to get what we came for. Yondu was really smart like that.

At least he's a good sport.

Yeah, yeah I see how that works. ...I know a guy who ate his dad.

Oh yeah, he's the best sport. He really is. It's just his people are apparently from a world like Lauri-Ell's where they don't know what smiling is, if you know what I mean.

... Wait, what? For real? Dude, that is effed up.

I do! Man, she's funny though, Lauri-Ell. I like her.

I mean, he ate his mom too, and it wasn't his fault. Uh, his, uh. Half brother fed them to him without him knowing. So.

Yeah, she's great.

[he pales when Kyle explains what happened, though]

Holy SHIT. That kid is effed-up. Please tell me he's in, like insane kid jail or something. Why the hell did he kill his parents?

[Kyle shrugs.]

Uhm. Well. Okay, first, he didn't KNOW this guy - Scott - was his half brother, he didn't know who his dad was. Not that it makes it GOOD, just... slightly... better? Anyway Scott tricked him into buying his pubes and it just kinda... went from there...

[Saying it out loud makes it sound so, so much worse.]

Sooo he uh, got them killed and turned them into chili and tricked Scott into eating it. And then licked his tears off his face. So.

I don't think he's in jail? I haven't talked to him since high school, so maybe, but I kinda doubt it. He did mellow out a little when we were teenagers. [Yes, this is Kyle admitting he hung out with this psycho for YEARS after this incident.]

Buying his --

[Quill's jaw drops a little and his brow crinkles in disgust]

What the hell did they put in the water where you grew up, man?

[Kyle shrugs a little defensively.] I dunno, we're not ALL like that, I never bought any pubes! [As if THAT were the issue here.]

[he thinks about that for a minute. in his mind, trying to sell someone your pubes is a dick move and not necessarily normal, but then again, he wasn't ON Earth by the time he started growing his, SO...]

Yeah, I guess. ... Seriously, though, how did that other kid - the half-brother - not end up in like, at least juvie or something? He straight up murdered the parents or something, right?

[this is disturbing. this is really, really, really disturbing. Quill idly wonders if this kid was part ... whatever Thanos is]

Well, no. Cartman's too smart for that. He just tricked them into being somewhere where they'd get shot. So he masterminded it, sure, but he didn't pull the trigger. You could nail him on desecration of corpses, I'm sure, but... we were nine. Imagine trying to take a nine year old to court for that, there's no way anybody would even believe you.

He was just always really good at avoiding any real trouble. It got a bit harder when we were older, but he also mellowed out a little bit. I think by the time we graduated he mostly only tried to kill me.

Kid needs serious therapy. Or a good kick in the ass. What the hell was his problem with you? You're a cool dude.

I gave him the second frequently. [Yes, he sounds a little proud.]

Oh, I'm Jewish.

That's it? That's his whole deal? What a little a-hole. If he ever shows up I'll help you kick his ass.

Heh. He's... pretty messed up. But I doubt he will. He's off somewhere god knows where.

And thanks, but I prefer to take care of him myself. Safer for everybody else.

That's fair. Either way, even if it's not him and you need help with some ass-kickin', I've got your back.

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cw: cannibalism chat

oh Scott Tenorman you poor jerk

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cw: cannibalism chat

cw: uh we're talking about Cartman so it's bad automatically

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