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[Quill's lounging in the curve of a ruin, his feet up on a protruding piece of rock, a drink in one hand as he holds his comm device with the other]

Hey, listen, I know you're all really busy with your Geraldo versus Donahue thing, and that Southern lady's doing her best to be Sally Jesse without the shoulder pads? But I'm gettin' real tired of the daytime talk show, and there's nothing else on here except maybe knockoff Cheers. And your robot Sam doesn't even have a Diane, so it's pretty awful.

I touched that glowy thing in the middle of town and it put some weeeeeeird-ass junk in my head, which, hey, not the first time I touched a magic rock and it did stuff? But I'd love a little more to go on than that.

When you're not busy.

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God, maybe your crew can actually FIND us. That would be awesome.

[It's beyond stupid. Kyle starts giggling.] I know! I know, it's so bad. But that's the caliber of alien I'm used to. So, you know, being stuck here on a mysterious alien planet, I'm kinda like... people think we were all selected for our talents but I'm pretty sure the Agrii just drew names out of a hat or something.

Wouldn't it? I bet they could. The hyperdrive on our new ship is pretty sick, it's Ravager tech, they can do timeskips and all kinds of shit. If Rocket actually knows how to RUN it ... I mean, Kraglin might, but ... he's not the brightest bulb, so not a lot of money on Kraglin.

[the names out of a hat comment makes him chuckle]

Hey, you know? Maybe that is your gig, though. Maybe they wanted to make sure they had someone who knew how to deal with the stupidass aliens if they ever showed up. You never know. There are all kinds of TV shows and movies and shit where the guy who gets picked to save the world isn't anything special. I mean - I totally thought I was that guy until I found out my Dad was, like, a planet.

What's a Ravager? I'm the boring earth dude, remember?

[He shakes his head.] Nah, man. I'm just some dipshit student stuck here with more impressive people.

Oh! Right. They're this whole legion of space pirates... they have this code, though, stuff you absolutely can't do, stuff that's too nasty. Honor among thieves, yeah? And they have tribes within the Ravagers, a group of ships that run around together. Mine was run by a guy named Yondu Udonta. Toughest son of a bitch you'd ever meet, but ... everyone knew if you messed with any of us he'd mess you up right back. He had this arrow with a sonic control - he could make it fly and hit any target he wanted just by whistling.

[he mimics Yondu's whistle as best he can, the lilting tones and pauses he used to make to change targets, one hand standing in for the arrow and making cuts through the air]

I once saw him take out a whole rival bandit crew with it. It'd go through the first guy and just - ffft! - keep going.

Daaaaamn. So you were just surrounded by badasses. You must be pretty tough if they didn't get sick of you and dump you on some random planet. [Unlike with some of the other residents of Temba, Kyle finds he can't really be jealous of Quill. He's just so likeable.]

They did threaten me a lot.

[he dredges up his best Yondu impression, holding tight to the joy of it so he doesn't cry. even with the lump in his throat, it's a passable imitation.]

Goddammit, boah! You know when we first picked you up dem boys wan'd'a EATCHU! They ain' never tasted Terran befoah!

I always knew if he was threatening me with cannibalism he didn't actually mean it.

Yeah, but like... that's what you do, you rip on your friends and loved ones. That's just normal.

...did they ever actually eat anybody?

Right?! Gamora always gets so confused, but Rocket and I do it all the damn time. Drax ... tries, but he's not very good at it.

And no, we never actually ate anybody. It was mostly a reputation thing, you know? Make people think we're big and scary so it's easy to get what we came for. Yondu was really smart like that.

At least he's a good sport.

Yeah, yeah I see how that works. ...I know a guy who ate his dad.

Oh yeah, he's the best sport. He really is. It's just his people are apparently from a world like Lauri-Ell's where they don't know what smiling is, if you know what I mean.

... Wait, what? For real? Dude, that is effed up.

I do! Man, she's funny though, Lauri-Ell. I like her.

I mean, he ate his mom too, and it wasn't his fault. Uh, his, uh. Half brother fed them to him without him knowing. So.

Yeah, she's great.

[he pales when Kyle explains what happened, though]

Holy SHIT. That kid is effed-up. Please tell me he's in, like insane kid jail or something. Why the hell did he kill his parents?

[Kyle shrugs.]

Uhm. Well. Okay, first, he didn't KNOW this guy - Scott - was his half brother, he didn't know who his dad was. Not that it makes it GOOD, just... slightly... better? Anyway Scott tricked him into buying his pubes and it just kinda... went from there...

[Saying it out loud makes it sound so, so much worse.]

Sooo he uh, got them killed and turned them into chili and tricked Scott into eating it. And then licked his tears off his face. So.

I don't think he's in jail? I haven't talked to him since high school, so maybe, but I kinda doubt it. He did mellow out a little when we were teenagers. [Yes, this is Kyle admitting he hung out with this psycho for YEARS after this incident.]

Buying his --

[Quill's jaw drops a little and his brow crinkles in disgust]

What the hell did they put in the water where you grew up, man?

[Kyle shrugs a little defensively.] I dunno, we're not ALL like that, I never bought any pubes! [As if THAT were the issue here.]

[he thinks about that for a minute. in his mind, trying to sell someone your pubes is a dick move and not necessarily normal, but then again, he wasn't ON Earth by the time he started growing his, SO...]

Yeah, I guess. ... Seriously, though, how did that other kid - the half-brother - not end up in like, at least juvie or something? He straight up murdered the parents or something, right?

[this is disturbing. this is really, really, really disturbing. Quill idly wonders if this kid was part ... whatever Thanos is]

Well, no. Cartman's too smart for that. He just tricked them into being somewhere where they'd get shot. So he masterminded it, sure, but he didn't pull the trigger. You could nail him on desecration of corpses, I'm sure, but... we were nine. Imagine trying to take a nine year old to court for that, there's no way anybody would even believe you.

He was just always really good at avoiding any real trouble. It got a bit harder when we were older, but he also mellowed out a little bit. I think by the time we graduated he mostly only tried to kill me.

Kid needs serious therapy. Or a good kick in the ass. What the hell was his problem with you? You're a cool dude.

I gave him the second frequently. [Yes, he sounds a little proud.]

Oh, I'm Jewish.

That's it? That's his whole deal? What a little a-hole. If he ever shows up I'll help you kick his ass.

Heh. He's... pretty messed up. But I doubt he will. He's off somewhere god knows where.

And thanks, but I prefer to take care of him myself. Safer for everybody else.

That's fair. Either way, even if it's not him and you need help with some ass-kickin', I've got your back.

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cw: cannibalism chat

oh Scott Tenorman you poor jerk

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cw: cannibalism chat

cw: uh we're talking about Cartman so it's bad automatically

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