Jonathan 'Eyebags' Sims (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
beholding_archivist) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
revivalproject2021-11-05 11:07 am
beholding_archivist) wrote in revivalproject2021-11-05 11:07 am
[ video ]
About what happened.
[ Yes, Jon starts to speak literally as the video comes to life. He looks clearly bothered and even more in need of some good sleep than usual. Add to that the fact that he actually posts a video and you can rest assured that Jon isn't nearly as okay. ]
I- uh-... I can't help but feel responsible for- W-well. That.
I didn't do it, just to make that clear, but what happened... It...
[ A heavy exhale and Jon's shoulders drop even more. ]
...it's too close to what I- To what happened to my Earth.
[ And a pause. ]
I'm aware that some of you got hurt. And that some of you have done and seen things they rather hadn't. And there- There is nothing I can do to change any of that. I'm sorry.
[ That's his belated birthday present to himself: Feeling guilty for yet another apocalypse. ]
[ Yes, Jon starts to speak literally as the video comes to life. He looks clearly bothered and even more in need of some good sleep than usual. Add to that the fact that he actually posts a video and you can rest assured that Jon isn't nearly as okay. ]
I- uh-... I can't help but feel responsible for- W-well. That.
I didn't do it, just to make that clear, but what happened... It...
[ A heavy exhale and Jon's shoulders drop even more. ]
...it's too close to what I- To what happened to my Earth.
[ And a pause. ]
I'm aware that some of you got hurt. And that some of you have done and seen things they rather hadn't. And there- There is nothing I can do to change any of that. I'm sorry.
[ That's his belated birthday present to himself: Feeling guilty for yet another apocalypse. ]
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And I am aware that...
You were hurt, weren't you?
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[Sighing, Kyle holds up his left arm. The stump is well dressed in clean bandages, but it's obviously a stump.]
Yeah. But it's not YOUR fault. It's whoever decided to raid your brain for cool ideas.
You think that might happen again? Them reading our minds for nightmare fuel? Because if so the lot of you might be totally screwed by a mob of zombie turkeys this month.
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[ That's more than just a little scar. And something Jon will feel responsible for to some degree. ]
H-has anyone looked at that? Where is-- Can it be sewed back on?
[ Sure, he could and probably should know the answers to these. He will be back to ponder zombie turkeys in a moment. ]
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Where's my hand? No fucking clue, we were in some sort of corpse tunnel at the time. Too late anyway. Plus I cauterized it as fast as I could when I was still all... possessed or whatever.
Yeah, Cayde took me to the med centre thing and helped me find antibiotics and painkillers. I'm so fucking doped up right now, you have no idea. I'm worried about infection, mostly.
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I have some stronger painkillers should you require them. And disinfectant as well.
[ He keeps the hospital stocked, but also keeps a private stock with some more specific items. ]
Keeping the wound clean will be important. If there is any way I can help... Please don't hesitate to let me know.
cw: kyle being kyle
That'd be cool, thanks. Uhm, I don't suppose you'd run them over sometime if you have a chance? I'm pretty tired these days.
You can help by not taking blame for it. That'd be sweet.
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[ He raises his hand before Kyle can answer, bowing his head with a nod. ]
I know, I know wrong way of thinking, but- The thoughts are there.
Th-that aside. Where do you want me to bring the items? It's only a matter of packing them up.
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I'm at my house, it's one of the ones Cobb fixed up. It's uhm, got this big fancy hunk of glass out front.
You can stay for tea. I might have a few questions.
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[ Also tea sounds good. ]
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And I promise not to punch you.
Onward to action?
I will see you soon.
[ And for now he clicks off his phone to collect the material as promised. ]
Totally!
He has the kettle on already on the little stove Cobb made. When John knocks on the door he answers looking too pale and tired.]
Hey, dude.
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Hello, Kyle.
[ He gives the bag a small pat. ]
Got everything in here.
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Thanks for coming by. There's some stuff I'd rather not talk about over the Network.
[He goes to get the tea steeping.]
So you know what happened.
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[ Jon nods his understanding and follows Kyle's invitation. The living room is easy enough to find and he sets his bag down on a table before retrieving the promised items from it. A bottle of disinfectant, clean bandages, a bottle labeled painkillers.
He shrugs before answering. ]
More or less. I- I mean I don't know what exactly happened here, but I know that- That it was practically copied from events that happened on my Earth.
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[Kyle makes the tea, stares at the two mugs, sighs, and brings one over to John before going back and getting his own.]
So. I became a host to... something. And I wish I could forget it, because every time I think about it I wanna barf.
How the hell do you get over a thing like that?
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[ Jon finds a seat to sit down, shaking his head slowly. ]
None of you were meant to pick up the mantle of an avatar. Even I was pushed into a role that is very much the opposite of being the Archivist. And even that role I struggled to come to terms with for years despite literally having been set up for it my entire life.
My own and admittedly not very great approach has always been to just keep pushing forward.
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...okay, so. That's not exactly what I was hoping to hear. Because like, it's gone, it's not still IN me or whatever. But I can remember it. And it was bad. Really, really bad. [He sips his tea, hand shaking minutely.]
I've had a lot of stuff done to me, dude. Stuff I never asked for. And this was like. That, all of that, but worse because it was like being everything I can't stand normally. I don't wanna gross you out with specifics. But I don't really know how I'm supposed to move on from it. Especially when it's like... THIS fucking happened, I can't just repress it if every time I look at my fucking arm or go to pick something up it's like, oops!
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[ Jon won't pretend to not be grossed out by anything, but he has seen nasty stuff and encountered unpleasant monsters. ]
At the very least I know that trying to repress the memories and experiences won't make them go away.
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And it helps you, doesn't it? Hearing our bad shit.
[He sighs.] It was like. Rot. Sickness. I was sick a lot, as a kid, and I'm like... a bit of a germaphobe. And this was just...
[He puts his tea down and hugs himself, wincing when he bumps his wrist against his body. He stares at his knees, blinking back tears.]
You want to inflict it on others. You want to scare them. How do you handle that guilt?
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Guilt, however, remains a difficult topic for Jon as well, resulting in a frown. ]
Your actions here... They weren't based in your own decisions. You never made the choice to become something else. You were forced into this role. We all were. And- I am aware this sounds hypocritical coming from me. I still feel responsible for the apocalypse back home despite knowing I was used and in certain ways for what happened here, but- I refuse to feel guilty for those cravings and instincts that were forced upon me. We weren't given any time to adjust, to learn and understand what happened to us. It was unfair.
cw: maggots, bodily waste
This really fucking sucks, dude. I wish like... I wish I could be mad at Kaz. But he was just doing what he had to to get away, so it's like... I get to be mad at some nebulous something that I can't punch. It makes it harder.
[He's silent a while longer, and when he speaks again it's soft and abrupt.] There was stuff IN me. Like... maggots. And there was just like, bile and shit, literal shit, everywhere and just... I can't shower enough, dude. Like if I think about it too long I wan to scour my fucking skin off with a brillo pad.
I have no idea what the fuck I'm gonna do if Tommy wants to make out, I'll probably start screaming and run into the night. Real hot.
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[ He does. He truly does...
But he also gives a visible shudder at the mention of maggots - And especially them residing within Kyle. ]
Christ, They really made you go through being a Hive? I- I'm sorry, Kyle. I had to deal with one of their kind once and... It was dreadful. Gave me all these scars.
[ He gestures up at his face where the more prominent of his pockmark-like scars remain visible. ]
Tommy will understand that you need time, though. If you want me to talk to him, I will do that.
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[In spite of himself, Kyle looks interested.] A Hive, huh? Yeah. That's what happened to you? Dude that's pretty fucked up, right there. Mine were like, in my guts.
[He laughs.] Have you MET Tommy? Patience isn't really his thing. Not like he's some total horndog - he's not at all, but don't tell him I said that - but relationship stuff is not exactly his forte. Or mine. Feelings and crap, you know? So. Guess we'll see.
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