[ video ]

[beholding_archivist]

About what happened.

[ Yes, Jon starts to speak literally as the video comes to life. He looks clearly bothered and even more in need of some good sleep than usual. Add to that the fact that he actually posts a video and you can rest assured that Jon isn't nearly as okay. ]

I- uh-... I can't help but feel responsible for- W-well. That.

I didn't do it, just to make that clear, but what happened... It...

[ A heavy exhale and Jon's shoulders drop even more. ]

...it's too close to what I- To what happened to my Earth.

[ And a pause. ]

I'm aware that some of you got hurt. And that some of you have done and seen things they rather hadn't. And there- There is nothing I can do to change any of that. I'm sorry.

[ That's his belated birthday present to himself: Feeling guilty for yet another apocalypse. ]

Comments

[kyley_b]

Yes! Yeah, that's a better word.

...okay, so. That's not exactly what I was hoping to hear. Because like, it's gone, it's not still IN me or whatever. But I can remember it. And it was bad. Really, really bad. [He sips his tea, hand shaking minutely.]

I've had a lot of stuff done to me, dude. Stuff I never asked for. And this was like. That, all of that, but worse because it was like being everything I can't stand normally. I don't wanna gross you out with specifics. But I don't really know how I'm supposed to move on from it. Especially when it's like... THIS fucking happened, I can't just repress it if every time I look at my fucking arm or go to pick something up it's like, oops!

[beholding_archivist]

Actually... If it help you to talk about it, I would ask you to be as detailed and specific as you need to be. It doesn't always help, but a few of those that came in to give their statements at least felt better afterwards. A matter of getting it- Out of your system?

[ Jon won't pretend to not be grossed out by anything, but he has seen nasty stuff and encountered unpleasant monsters. ]

At the very least I know that trying to repress the memories and experiences won't make them go away.

[kyley_b]

[Kyle studies his tea, frowning.]

And it helps you, doesn't it? Hearing our bad shit.

[He sighs.] It was like. Rot. Sickness. I was sick a lot, as a kid, and I'm like... a bit of a germaphobe. And this was just...

[He puts his tea down and hugs himself, wincing when he bumps his wrist against his body. He stares at his knees, blinking back tears.]

You want to inflict it on others. You want to scare them. How do you handle that guilt?

[beholding_archivist]

[ Jon gives a small, somewhat guilty nod in regards of Kyle's question. This isn't why he is offering an ear, though. At least that's what he wants to believe.

Guilt, however, remains a difficult topic for Jon as well, resulting in a frown. ]

Your actions here... They weren't based in your own decisions. You never made the choice to become something else. You were forced into this role. We all were. And- I am aware this sounds hypocritical coming from me. I still feel responsible for the apocalypse back home despite knowing I was used and in certain ways for what happened here, but- I refuse to feel guilty for those cravings and instincts that were forced upon me. We weren't given any time to adjust, to learn and understand what happened to us. It was unfair.

cw: maggots, bodily waste

[kyley_b]

Yeah, pretty hypocritical. [He sounds sympathetic and a little amused. He thinks, sighing again.]

This really fucking sucks, dude. I wish like... I wish I could be mad at Kaz. But he was just doing what he had to to get away, so it's like... I get to be mad at some nebulous something that I can't punch. It makes it harder.

[He's silent a while longer, and when he speaks again it's soft and abrupt.] There was stuff IN me. Like... maggots. And there was just like, bile and shit, literal shit, everywhere and just... I can't shower enough, dude. Like if I think about it too long I wan to scour my fucking skin off with a brillo pad.

I have no idea what the fuck I'm gonna do if Tommy wants to make out, I'll probably start screaming and run into the night. Real hot.

[beholding_archivist]

It makes it incredibly hard, I understand.

[ He does. He truly does...

But he also gives a visible shudder at the mention of maggots - And especially them residing within Kyle. ]

Christ, They really made you go through being a Hive? I- I'm sorry, Kyle. I had to deal with one of their kind once and... It was dreadful. Gave me all these scars.

[ He gestures up at his face where the more prominent of his pockmark-like scars remain visible. ]

Tommy will understand that you need time, though. If you want me to talk to him, I will do that.

[kyley_b]

Yeah. I thought you might.

[In spite of himself, Kyle looks interested.] A Hive, huh? Yeah. That's what happened to you? Dude that's pretty fucked up, right there. Mine were like, in my guts.

[He laughs.] Have you MET Tommy? Patience isn't really his thing. Not like he's some total horndog - he's not at all, but don't tell him I said that - but relationship stuff is not exactly his forte. Or mine. Feelings and crap, you know? So. Guess we'll see.

[beholding_archivist]

Well, they only dug into my skin, having them in your guts sounds dreadful.

[ Yeah, no thanks. ]

And don't worry, I am familiar with Tommy. He is much more considerate of those close to him than most people are aware.

[kyley_b]

Yeah. It was.

[Kyle shrugs, not looking particularly optimistic.]