revivalproject | What is grief?

Entry tags:

What is grief?

WHO: Billy/Various, some OTA (will be noted)
WHERE: First Breath, Vanquish, Temba, YA house
WHAT: Sad
WHEN: Day of Return
WARNINGS: Sad

Return
(OT Vanquish [or First Breath if you want to see him worrying on the ship], Mostly meant for Jon and/or Lauri-Ell)

When the compulsion to return to the ships had come, Teddy hadn't been there. It set a knot of worry in Billy's stomach, even as he tried to reason it didn't mean he was gone. He might have gotten up early, or felt the compulsion before him, or...something. Right?

Still, that dread kept him from messaging during the trip back, mind running over the dark possibilities until they had landed and Billy went running to wait outside Vanquish. He was just worrying for nothing, right??

Storm Clouds
(OTA)

Billy was at a loss. What was a he supposed to do? He was trying very hard not to fall back into that deep depression that had claimed him after Cassie- that dark numbness that seemed to swallow him up for months.

The weather around him seemed to be reflecting that conflict, isolated clouds, dark and stormy, possibly attracted by the electricity that occasionally flickered unbidden at his fingertips.

He didn't know how to find a proper balance, to feel these emotions without losing himself to them.

The clouds rumbled overhead, rain pelting down, and Billy offered up an apologetic look as he wasn't the only one caught up in this downpour.

"Sorry-"

Hold Me
(for Tommy)

The house didn't feel the same without him. Billy tried to set aside that steadily growing weight on his chest and put away some of what he'd brought back from their trip, but he kept seeing signs of Teddy everywhere. He couldn't quite bring himself to touch any of Teddy's stuff, leaving it where it was.

He tried to sleep that night, laying on his side of the bed, switching between tears and long stretches of sleepless silence, before finally giving up and leaving ~~their~~ his room for Tommy's.

He peered inside hesitantly, voice a little rough from the boughts of crying.
"...Could I sleep with you?"

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Clarice had been moving some of the supplies she'd bought out of the hangar when the storm clouds gathered. She noticed them, and only had a brief moment to wonder if this was one of the storms Shiro had told her about when the heavens opened.

With a cry of surprise, she lifted the tarp covering her cargo and ducked underneath it, only to peer out when the boy nearby spoke up.

"Sorry? For what, the weather? Here, c'mon under, no sense in getting wet. Plenty've tarp."

He nodded a bit numbly, not having the energy to explain at first, but sparing a guilty sort of smile when she welcomed him to take shelter with her. Billy shook out his fingers to try and dispel any lingering crackles of electricity before jogging to join her under tarp.

"Thanks- Yeah- sorry, I- it'll stop in a minute," he promised, pushing back dripping hair from his face and trying to put on a smile for the woman. "We haven't really met yet, have we? I'm Billy."

"We haven't," she agreed, reaching out a hand for her to shake. She noticed his reluctance to smile, and combined with the fact that she'd only briefly glimpsed him on the First Breath, two and two crept slowly toward some sort of intuition. "I'm Clarice Starling. Glad to meet you, Billy."

She didn't quite smile, though, a sort of silent sign to him that it was okay if he didn't. "I get the impression you weren't having a good day even before it started raining..."

Tommy knew this was coming. He didn't know if it would be tonight or tomorrow night or some other time upcoming. But Tommy remembered what it had been like before Teddy was here. The way they'd been then. How his brother had needed him.

He didn't bother to rise when he heard Billy approach. He just scooted over a bit and lifted the blanket.

"Come on, kiddo."

Billy glanced down to make sure there were no stray sparks still leaping from his fingertips, before accepting the hand and giving a small shake. "Clarice," he repeated with a nod, head ducking gratefully with the lack of pressure to keep up appearances.

"Yeah...sorry. It's been- um...my fiancé was sent home...I think."

Billy didn't even protest the nickname, offering a grateful- if sad- smile, and he crossed the room quickly to climb into the bed. He settled by his brother's side, silent for a long moment, just glad to have his presence.

"...How are you doing?" he asked finally.

She disembarks, and Lauri-Ell's expression is just as dark as Billy's eyes. Seeing her Prince, she knows he has noticed the same thing she had. And the woman bows her head in shame.

"My Prince, I do not know what happened."

Her face immediately fell into pained sympathy. Hannibal may not have exactly been her fiance, but she was still feeling the lack of him and his care for her in her daily life now. At moments, it was like a phantom limb. She could understand.

"Oh my goodness, honey...! That's terrible. Did you both arrive here together?"

Idiot, how can you think that Tommy isn't going to pully you into his arms to hold? He's learned how to cuddle better.

"My best friend just, you know, disappeared. Not the greatest."

He shook his head, and he automatically tried to put on a brighter face at her sympathetic look, not wanting to spread that hurt. He was fine...really.

"No- I was here without him for...a year, maybe? I don't know why I'm so- I mean he's just back where he's supposed to be- that's...good. I shouldn't want him here-"

Cuddles are good. And it was much easier to hide his face, ducking to press it against Tommy's shoulder.

"Yeah...I'm sorry." Billy knew it wasn't easy on any of them. "He's...back home, right? That's good..."

Oh, Lauri-Ell.

Billy's eyes well up, trying to stay strong, giving a few nods to try and force himself to accept the unspoken truth. He's really gone.

"...Neither of us could have stopped it," he offers, wincing a little at how his voice breaks.

Tommy's learned, how to be a good bed partner. How to hold someone so they feel loved and supported. Guess David was teaching him without him even knowing. He reaches up and strokes his twin's hair, like he would with David.

"He's back home," Tommy agrees. "And you'll go back there some time too. You won't remember this place, but you'll go back to where you are. You're going to have so many adventures, Billy, and still be so in love. ANd look stupid in your new cape."

It doesn't matter that she could not stop it. She has failed. The large woman goes to her knees before the royal and bows her head further.

"I will take whatever punishment you deem fit for failing in my duty."

Billy sniffs, nodding and closing his eyes. His thumb gives an absent stroke to Tommy's back as he hold him, wanting to offer him comfort too.

He snorts softly, breathing a fond laugh through his nose. "Yeah? How bad is it?" he asks. It feels surprisingly good to hear that teasing.

Oh.

Billy takes a half step back, trying to shake his head, and looking around for someone to take control of this situation. But it's only him.

So he drops to his knees too, ducking his head to try and catch Lauri-Ell's eye, placing a hand over hers and shaking his head firmly. "Hey- You didn't do anything wrong."

Was it wrong, that he'd missed this? The way they were when they came to Agra 10, united and close? When Teddy had shown up there had been no choice but to take the distance it imposed between them.

In a way, he'd lost his brother. And now in the worst way he was getting him back.

"Dude, purple and green are NOT your colors."

Can he see that she too is crying? This had been the greatest duty entrusted to her by her Emperor, by her people. She would protect their new Emperor, to hold safe and sacred their peace. And now it was gone.

He was gone. Her purpose.

"I do not know what I am without the Alliance, without my duty."

Billy smiles softly, trying to picture it.

"...I could pull it off."

He lifts his head to look up at Tommy. "You really don't remember any of it, when you're back home?" He wants the reassurance of knowing Teddy's happy, back where he belongs. Eventually Billy'll slide back in too and they'll continue on like nothing's happened.

Billy shuffles a little closer, and hesitantly rocks up on his knees to try and pull her into a hug.

"Well, maybe it's time to find out?" he offers softly, "Teddy'd want that for you. I want that for you. You aren't just your duty."

"You could. Fuck, man, you do. It was all beautiful. I actually cried."

But when his brother looks he meets the other man's eyes. He needs his brother to see that he's being honest.

"Yeah, I didn't. If I had, maybe I would have been less of a punk when Vizh back home started to reconnect with us through Viv. But, you know, I didn't give him a chance."

A hug. She had experienced so little in her life. There was no love for a Kree soldier. It is a nice thing, comforting, even if his arms are so small.

"I was made for my duty, William. I was made as a creature of war. Programmed to it."

Billy's expression softens. "Yeah? Are you only admitting that because I won't remember, or do you do it in front of me?"

"Mm, well, there's still time," he offers, "That's a complicated thing, even if you did remember everything here."

They are. He hopes it still reads as a hug with their size difference.

"...So? Who says you have to follow that just because that's what some other people decided for you? You can be whatever you wanna be Lauri-Ell. Screw what anyone else wants, what do you want?

"Both," Tommy answers with a soft chuckle. "I sorta hid it pretty well I think. You didn't call me on it."

There's time. There is a lot of time because they've got what they have here, but they have something there too. They have family.

"I wish I did remember here, though. Remember that it's okay to admit maybe people were wrong about me."

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What is grief?

Storm Clouds

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Of Course He Will

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<3

Return

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