Blood In My Sight

[doubled_speed]

WHO: Tommy & Kyle
WHERE:
WHAT: Tommy needs to calm down
WHEN: 6/26, After yelling at Billy and threatening Riley
WARNINGS: CW: discussions of torture and experimentation on children

This was too much. His anger was still roaring, his blood pounding in his ears, his thoughts running too fast for even him to catch up to. And Tommy just had to do what he could to calm down. He'd tried his island and stopped that when he's knocked into a tree with too much force. It fell over and he knew he was going to bruise badly from it. Then dove into the water to cool off.

Even that wasn't enough so he did the next best thing he could. He took off to find the only person he could talk to right now.

Which was showing up at Kyle's room at the hotel. Doesn't even bother to knock, or even open the door. Just vibes through.

"Kyle," he called, shocked by how raw his voice was from his distress.

Comments

[kyley_b]

Kyle nods and curls around Tommy protectively. "I know. I feel the same. But it's also really comforting."

He hesitates before adding, "I was really lonely, dude."

[doubled_speed]

So was Tommy. How does he even put into words that he was so lonely before now?

"When we first got to the planet, this place was bad. It was cold and terrible. AT first, Billy and I? Were we all we had. He got sick, exploring the hospital, and the sickness made people paranoid. He kept leaving the shelter of our hotel room, and I had to go after him. In the end I carried him up the stairs, higher than I'd ever been, and we slept in the stair well, in each other's arms. I was never as close with Billy as I was when we got here."

And he hated that it was true. That his comfort and closeness had been with Billy, that he had been in his brother's arms and slept peacefully because he had his brother there. They had trusted each other, believed in each other. He missed it.

"We lived together always after that. Except when the ships pulled us apart. On our birthday ironically. It was maddening. And then Teddy showed up and..."

ANd he lost Billy. Until Teddy left again he'd been so impossibly alone. Was it wrong to want his closeness to his brother back? Probably.

[kyley_b]

"And then he had his husband, so there was no time for you. Unless he needed you." Kyle's voice is full of terrible understanding; he's been there. The support system.

"That sucks. It really, really sucks. Makes you feel stupid, and lonely, and weirdly selfish."

[doubled_speed]

"After Ted disappeared he had nightmares. Before the torture. He came back."

And for a while Tommy wasn't alone.

"We're part of the same soul. Weird, right? So I feel worse than normal selfish. Super selfish."

[kyley_b]

"I don't think it's actually selfish. Especially if you're two halves of a whole. I think it's pretty natural."

He hugs Tommy tight for a moment.

"He probably feels the same."

[doubled_speed]

Two halves may not be fully accurate, but he'd accept the sentiment. Not that he thought it was a point worth correcting.

"No, he doesn't. He's spent so much of life, after finding me, just discarding me."

[kyley_b]

Kyle frowns. He doesn't know Billy very well, so it's hard to reconcile that idea with the kind, gentle person he's seen him be so far.

"How so? I thought you guys were tight."

[doubled_speed]

"It's got to do with back home. I had to get used to him losing interest for years. Some of it wasn't his fault. Most of it was."

And Tommy was just desperate for the closeness they had here. To feel important to his brother, to someone, was good.

[kyley_b]

"Have you talked about it?"

He strokes Tommy's hair back.

[doubled_speed]

"It's my past, but it's his future so what's the point?"

There's nothing he can do to make it all better because it both has and hasn't happened.

[kyley_b]

"So that's a no." He sighs. "The point is to express your feelings so you're not stuck just wallowing in them alone. You can't fix shit if you don't name the problem."

[doubled_speed]

"Yeah, I'll just go and tell my brother, who is already fucked up, that he's going to abandon me? Yep, healthy choices."

He doesn't buy it Kyle.

[kyley_b]

Kyle frowns. "No. You go to your brother and say, firstly, 'I'm really worried about you letting people experiment on you because this is what happened to me.' And you start with THAT, because that's the immediate issue. You can talk about your abandonment issues later."

He kisses the top of Tommy's head. "You don't have to do everything all at once, Speed."

[doubled_speed]

"I don't have abandonment issues," Tommy grumbled, even as he held Kyle tighter for fear that saying the words would make the other leave. Yeah, he's just contradictory like that.

Tomorrow. I can't do it today."

[kyley_b]

"You don't have to until you're ready."

He tilts Tommy's head up and kisses him again. "You're okay. You got me."

[doubled_speed]

The kiss was, as it always has been, comfort. Comfort he is eager to take. And he had to accept it of Kyle now, because he wanted to just feel wanted, feel trusted, feel believed.

Affection was part of belief. The greater part.

[kyley_b]

It's easy, for so many reasons, to slip into the role of caregiver. Kyle adjusts his embrace, pulling Tommy closer. His kisses aren't demanding, just warm and soft.

[doubled_speed]

It's a role Tommy wasn't any good with. His own attempts to be a caregiver would come in his own future back home, trying to comfort his boyfriend there through serious trauma by making out. This just wasn't what he knew how to do. But the softness given was just what he needed.

And when he had his fill of soft kisses, he pulled back just enough to speak.

"If you're still cool with me staying here tonight, then is it okay if I wake you before dawn? I wanna show you sunrise."

[kyley_b]

"Of course," Kyle says. He kisses Tommy's nose before he sits up. "Is it weird if we get undressed? Underwear on, don't worry."

[doubled_speed]

"No, it's not weird," Tommy answered. "Go ahead."

That didn't mean Tommy will.

[kyley_b]

"Cool." Kyle tugs his clothes off and lays back on the bed, propping himself up on one elbow.

"You can, you know. Borrow something to sleep in, if you want."

[doubled_speed]

Borrow something to sleep in? Tommy raised an eyebrow.

"When there isn't someone I'm sharing with, I don't wear much of anything at all. Otherwise I do. Apparently I'm too warm and the clothes help."

[kyley_b]

Kyle smiles and nods. "...I'd rather you didn't. Wear much. I like the warmth."

[doubled_speed]

Oh. Tommy smirks and rises off of the bed.

"Alright, but no complaining when I'm way too hot to handle."

[kyley_b]

Kyle grins and holds his hands up. "I'll try not to manhandle you."