(Network) awake from blood-thick dreams

[hooliganstatus]

I'm seeing a lot of people apologizing for what they did while we were in the city.

What if what you suddenly feel guilty about is older than that? If no one is here to apologize to?

Comments

[cardsyouredealt]

Not real sure what exactly happened, this all is new and weird. But seems to me if you feel like you did something you did hurt people and you can't make amends to them then you do what you can to help others.

It ain't always about doing good for just one person, it's about the intention of doing good.

[hooliganstatus]

I see. ... What if that had been my intention all along but there were consequences I hadn't known about that harmed people?

[cardsyouredealt]

That's life. Ya can't control everything no matter how much you want to. You just have to do the best you can to keep the scales tipped in the favor of what you're trying to do.

[hooliganstatus]

[that may be the most comforting thing she's heard]

I like to think I did. ... Thank you. That helps a lot, actually.

Text

[stitch_witch]

Where I am from, it is understood that sometimes one cannot apologize to those we may have wronged. The weight of such wrongs can weigh heavy upon us.

Guilt is one of the greatest weights we carry. But there are ways to offer the apologies, even if they cannot be properly accepted. I could teach you.

[hooliganstatus]

I would like that, very much. When can we start?

[stitch_witch]

Whenever you are free. I would be glad to offer you the help I can.

[hooliganstatus]

All but one of the conversations I'm having are over text. Would now be okay?

[stitch_witch]

Of course. I am currently in one of the rooms in the place labeled as 'civics center' on the map. It is a lovely room four floors up, on the west side of the building. I am watching the sun.

[text]

[in_extremis]

Some people in certain basements call those 'living amends'.

If you're not ready for that, though, you should check out the Deep End.

[hooliganstatus]

Basements don't seem like they'd be safe to live in here. Maybe that person should worry more about a secure living arrangement than their amends.

[has someone been spending too much time with Lauri-Ell? maybe just a touch]

That being said, who are they? I'm curious about what a 'living amend' is.

[in_extremis]

What? No one's living in basements. The amends are living.

Forget about the basements.

Where I'm from, when you've dug yourself in a hole too deep, some people who have been there before have a whole list of stuff meant to help you out again. Making amends is pretty deep down on that list. Can't really ask for forgiveness if you haven't examined what led you to being an asshole in the first place.

Do you know why you're an asshole?

[hooliganstatus]

I can forget about the basements, but not about the amends. And I've never been afraid to go deep.

I do know: I was a spy. A lot of people either died as a result of my actions, or lost something or someone. Ripples in water from a depth charge. I was fighting corruption but I was a virus, too. I guess I just didn't see it.

video

[noch]

[ This is video, because she is NOT texting. ]

For Nightsisters, it is the decision of those we have wronged how we make penance for what we have done. For those outside the coven... if they have wronged us, then we make them pay.

[ She pauses. ]

Perhaps that is not helpful.

[hooliganstatus]

Merrin, hello.

[well, there goes her anonymity. she supposes in a place this small it was only a matter of time.]

It is and it isn't. Especially because no one I have wronged is actually here.

[noch]

Aeon.

[ Yes, that's her version of hello. There's a thoughtful expression on her face, her head tipping slightly to the side. ]

This guilt you feel was sudden? Because of the city we were trapped in?

[hooliganstatus]

Because someone made me see it. In my mind. All of the things that I didn't realize my work caused. Widows, orphans, injuries. Innocent people my actions hurt that I didn't see, couldn't have known about at the time.

[she reaches up and clutches her temple, even at the memory]

[ezra_of_lothal]

Shifts in perspective are hard. I guess the question is if this shift and the feelings that come along with it, is one you want to hold onto to.

[hooliganstatus]

I liked who I was, there. The life I had. ... I don't think I was ever so content in my real life. So I would think that means it is something I want to hold on to. If it means I can have that, in some way. But both lives are so different from how things truly are here, in Temba.

It's difficult. Complicated.

[ezra_of_lothal]

Trying to figure out if you can use the experience to be happier here and now sounds like a good reason to want to hold onto it to me.

I keep using the word complicated about the whole thing, too.

[hooliganstatus]

We had whole other lives. All these memories that made us who we are now, what we've done, what we mean to do. But those other versions of us - they didn't have that. They simply were. Nothing to carry, just ... itinerant wanderers with nothing to weigh them down. We are because we were. Not because we want to be. Some things can't be set down.

[it's the sort of thing she and Trevor probably could have argued over for days, until they sounded like pretentious nonsense to anyone's ears but their own]

[mrsklover]

Have you tried alcoholism?

bless you Richie Tozier

[hooliganstatus]

No, but I'm not a stranger to drinks. I just never drank to excess. I had to keep my senses sharp. When you're a spy, you never know who's waiting to kill you.

:-*

[mrsklover]

Well, lucky for you, this is the time to start! Think about it: we have omnipresent, gooey, pink overlords who make sure we can't hurt each other. No one's coming to kill you now.

If you need tips, I am a pro and ready to train ya.

[hooliganstatus]

You make a good point. Where and when would you like to do this ... training?

[obviously this is before Eddie corners him]