revivalproject | I didn't mean for it to happen

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I didn't mean for it to happen

WHO: Billy, Tommy, Bucky/The Soldier, OTA
WHERE: Temba, YA House
WHAT: The aftermath
WHEN: Early June
WARNINGS: TBD

The Return & What Follows (for Tommy)

Billy screamed, and the world dissolved. The Shadow had shielded him from the worst of it, assaulted by those memories in a non stop barrage for however long they were in there, but now he remembered it all. He dimly registered he was back in his calibration room, hoping he'd managed to release the others before he collapsed heavily onto the floor. He shouldn't have been able to perform that level of magic here. And whatever had allowed it abruptly cut it off with his return, utterly drained from the experience.

He was unconscious, in and out of nightmares for days before he finally jolted awake in a cold sweat, practically tumbling from the bed in his race to the bathroom to retch.

What had he done?

Avoidance [OTA]

Even after he awoke, Billy didn't want to leave the house. He was ashamed and scared, and used the excuse of resting for far longer than was true.

A few faces managed to hunt him down there, and it wasn't like Billy could turn them away, eventually relenting and breaking down a few of those barriers.

After that it was a little easier to venture out. It took a few smaller outing before he was able to get as far as the Hospital, but there at least he could focus on work.

(For Bucky/The Soldier)

Billy knew he probably wanted to stay hidden away as much as he did right now, but after what they'd been through together in the other world, he trusted the man to help him with this. Tommy and the others would refuse, but he was confident Bucky would understand. And he needed to apologize.

His magic was still weak, but it led him to the general location where he was meant to be. Billy couldn't quite meet his eye when he found him, swallowing thickly and looking uncomfortable.

"...Hey. Could we talk?"

Apology- Network- Text

I can't begin to make up for what I put you all through this last month. I had no right, and I'm so sorry you all got caught up in this mess.

I know that doesn't begin to make it right.

They did something to me. Like Calibrations...but worse. I don't know how. And I'm not trying to make excuses for what I did but- I'm scared they'll do it again. To any of us. I thought people should know.

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Sure, now's okay. Just the cat's fine.

Ok. See you soon.

***

When Ezra comes to knock on Billy's door, he's in the full set of off white Jedi robes, and his ash brown cloak, with Dabble the tooka draped across his shoulders. Coming to Billy in the full get up wasn't really intentional - he'd more put them on as a reassuring statement to himself and his fellow Jedi while doing some things around the still newly designated Temple area, and simply hadn't wanted to stop and change into something else.

He hopes the Space Monk vibe won't put Billy off. Or at least that his ready smile and Dabble peering at Billy, ear perks forwards, overcomes that possible reaction.

"Hey. Billy this is Dabble-" Ezra lets out an oof as the tooka scrabbles against his shoulder blade to let leverage to launch herself towards Billy's bed, apparently deciding to immediately make herself at home.

The clothes take him by surprise a little, false memories of Ezra in more casual Earth clothing contrasting with reality. Billy tries to offer a small smile in return, though he's practically radiating guilt.

"Hey-" he starts, giving a small laugh as Dabble bolts for his bed. Hopefully he's not allergic. "She cute," he says, smile spreading a little before chancing a glance back at Ezra, "...It's still really tempting to ask you how school's been."

Ezra actually laughs, running a hand over his hair sheepishly.

"Well, for the last month I was a little distracted because I woke up and remembered this whole other life where I was a Jedi, trying to help fix an alien planet, and my brother is actually a Jedi master," he replies, with an exaggeratedly careless shrug. "Other than that, just trying to ride out senior year and figure what I'm doing about college, you know?"

He goes more serious, but keeps a slight smile on his face. "Thing is, I never actually got to go to real school before, not past the first few years, and like, a stint I did undercover work I did as a cadet. So that part was kinda nice?" he offers.

Dabble sniffs Billy's hand, which in her mind in an invitation to pet her a little.

"Eh, first year's easy," Billy dismisses with a small smile, playing along. As though he actually had any idea. He'd never actually moved on to college with the whole...hero thing, and being on the run.

His smile softens, glad Ezra got something beside trauma out of it at least. "Well I'm glad it wasn't all awful," he says, carefully scritching Dabble's jaw and then working his way up to her ears.

The tooka chirps cheerfully, leaning into Billy's hand.

He tilts his head, one way, then the other. "Nah, not all bad. Master Kenobi was happy as Ben, too. No powers, just my big brother - the kinda dorky reporter, who always took care of me. I think he's got complicated feelings about that now-"

And maybe that was traumatic, in its own right.

"Which I imagine you get, partly," he adds, quietly, watching Billy. "Not also, not entirely. Under your own power versus someone else's."

It's an easy distraction, petting the tooka, and Billy, welcoming Ezra to do the same if he wants. The rooms a bit of mess, like he warned, signs of Teddy still strewed about.

He glances up apologetically. "I think I caused a lot of confused feelings," he acknowledges.

Billy hesitates a moment, and nods, looking back to the kitten with a frown.

He perches on the edge of the bed, on Dabble's other side, to stritch a little, although he does leave a little room for her to flop over, because he's guessing...yep, that's a happily flopped out cat now.

"But I didn't come over here to make you feel bad. Talk some stuff out if you're up for it. Or we can play with a cat and goof off."

"...It's kind of stupid, but I honestly wish someone would get mad at me," he admits. "Does that make sense? I feel so awful and everyone's been so...understanding about it all, and it just makes it feel worse some how."

"I get that," Ezra says immediately. His gaze drops to Dabble, but he keeps talking.

"The time I've felt most like that - I can tell you more of the big long story, if you want. But shortish version is, about two years into my training as a Jedi, there was this big mission. I pushed for it to happen. I made some bad calls during it. My first master, Kanan, came away blinded. We lost the third person with us, someone who'd also taught me, who I admired and trusted. I was...so scared. And guilty and angry with myself. Kanan was reeling, but he never acted angry towards me, not about the mission or what happened during it."

He looks at Billy again, and shakes his head. "But, Force, sometimes I wanted him, or someone else, to yell at me about it, because that would have felt like an honest reaction. Instead, I pulled away from everyone even more, and kept doing really destructive and self-destructive things, for months."

That's...a surprise. Something about the Jedi here has given Billy the impression that they come out of the womb instilled with all the calm and philosophy of a Buddhist monk or something. Obviously they were people, just like anyone else, but to here Ezra share a story that could have easily come out of his own life, and those real, raw emotions that come with it, it helps Billy not feel so alone.

He offers a sympathetic, and grateful look at the same time. "...N'other world sounds like we would've been friends," he mutters with a small smile, since they all ready sort of have the proof of that, "I'm sorry, that's-...I know what that's like."

Ezra smiles back, soft and a little sad.

He'd be surprised to hear anyone saw him as that sort of calm. He wasn't Temple raised, and he had only a few years of training under his belt. He's been working hard, and being around more Jedi has helped.

"I'm sorry, too. Not something I want anyone to have to understand that way. I was kinda hoping to work on being friends in this world?" he offers.

To be fair, Billy really hasn't gotten to know him well enough here to make that call, he's basing it off a lot of assumptions.

"...I'd like that too," he agrees after a moments hesitation, still guilty and a little unsure, but he remembers liking Ezra, and he'd like to see if they can be friends here too.

Ezra's smile gets warmer.

"Well, no comic stand here. Or band, either, although I guess we could try to fix that? In this life, I'm actually not really used to having both friends my age and much free time. We did play...board games sometimes when we were on longer hyperspace jumps, back home."

"I didn't really have friends my age until pretty recently," Billy commiserates, sure Ezra can remember how Billy was a frequent target of the bullies in the false reality and make the connection.

"Wait, you have board games in space?" Why does that seem so strange? Billy's seen some of their world, it's not that weird, but something about it just seems so...anachronistic.

Ezra grins. "Well, usually the pieces were holoprojections," he allows.

"But some of them it wouldn't be hard to make physical pieces. Close enough to make it work."

"You have to teach me," he enthuses, and then flushes a little. "We can...uh...work on recreating it maybe. That'd be a fun project."

Ezra grins back warmly. "Yeah. I'd like that."

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I didn't mean for it to happen

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