What It All Comes Down To

[doubled_speed]

WHO: Tommy Shepherd, OTA
WHERE: Around Temba
WHAT: Coming Down From It All (Post House of Billy)
WHEN: The first week post event [Forward Dated]
WARNINGS: CW: Referenced sexual encounter in thread with Kyle, Referenced child abuse in thread with Kyle.


A. Keeping The Diners Supplied The Diner
"Delivery of fresh produce."

Tommy's tired. Perhaps that's why he's coming in later than normal with supplies for this meal shift. Perhaps that's why he looks frazzled and his hair is limp and he's not racing in with all speed. Clearly it's not the heavy crate loaded down with all sorts of foods from the green house, because that's never slowed him down before. But sleep after something like what they'd gone through was... Well, unlikely.

"The cyanana harvest is starting, so I'm thinking about trying to figure out how to make some sorta pudding out of it. That's a thing, right? Banana pudding or something."

He'd been enough out of it on entering that he didn't even know who it was he was talking to. Like hell he'd thought about how the kitchen help rotation was working now. Nor did he care. He was too tired from all his dreams to care.


B. Healing Power of Horticulture The Greenhouse
If there was one place that Tommy often found peace, it was the greenhouse. Today Tommy was trying his best to work there without getting too complicated with other people. For this he'd done the best thing he could do: working the mint wing. The advantage that came that the specific wing was sealed off from the rest of the greenhouse to keep it from spreading too much. Tommy moved slowly through it with a woven rush basket, humming quietly under his breath some German pop music he remembered from back home. While he moved he clipped little sprigs of mint to pass on to Glownies as a treat.

The advantage of the sealed area was that when the doors opened, Tommy knew someone was there. He could hear it. He turned to look at the door and frowned.

"Can I help you? I thought I was soloing the mint today."


C. The Solitary Island Closed to Aeon
It took a while for him to find her, but Tommy had wanted to have an excuse to get away, but he didn't want to be put into a position where his stupid brain could interrupt him. There had been someone interested after all, and so he'd raced through the city until he found her.

"Aeon," he said, offering a hand up for a high five. "You doing anything? Because if not, island time."


D. Wild Card
[Feel free to hit me up on Discord or Plurk to discuss places Tommy could get cornered. Or just have someone come to his actual home. Other options are to find him lazing by the fountain, on top of a tall building, or hiding out with the glownies which he normally does not visit.]

Comments

[doubled_speed]

Except it had defined him, for so damn long. And now here it was again, the only thing that could apparently get him out of a lie was the worst sor tof truth and he hated that.

"I think some people suspect it, but don't know for certain. Guess Beck does now. I hate it."

He hates people knowing about it. He hates people seeing the worst of him, or knowing how he was vulnerable.

[kyley_b]

"And that sucks, because nobody wants their pasts dragged out in front of other people. But I mean... so what? It's not your fucking fault. You were a kid. It's affected you, sure, but you're an adult and you are more than that little kid now."

[doubled_speed]

That... was not a take Tommy was expecting. He was expecting a lot more pity and 'poor guy' shit. Instead he looks at Kyle.

"You don't have a problem with a guy who cowers at the memory of his father?"

[kyley_b]

"God, no," Kyle says, genuinely shocked. "Dude, trauma lasts. I still can't go into an Apple store because of... a thing that happened once. That seems a lot stupider than being scared of a man who hurt you."

He turns a little ad hugs Tommy tightly. There's nothing sexual about it - he just wants to comfort.

[doubled_speed]

The hug was shocking, but Tommy didn't push Kyle away. It was actually not that bad, being offered this.

"Kyle, you're an amazing friend. Even if this is really fucking weird."

[kyley_b]

"Yeah. Yeah, I've heard that before," he says sadly.

Kyle pulls back and smiles. "You're fucking smart, and strong, and capable, and you can't compare yourself to some idealized version of yourself every day, okay? You'll just drive yourself nuts.

"You're here, man. You're okay."

[doubled_speed]

Sadly? What the fuck? He sighed and shook his head. All he wanted to do with that sort of statement was lean forward and kiss Kyle. Which wasn't what they were allowed to do.

"Dude, you just described yourself."

[kyley_b]

"Nope," he says cheerfully. He keeps one arm draped over Tommy's shoulders.

"If I were describing myself I'd toss a 'neurotic' in there."

[doubled_speed]

"Yeah, well I've been called a sociopath, so I guess it's good company?"

He didn't think he liked the term, but he had tried to move past it.

[kyley_b]

"You're SO not a sociopath. I grew up with one, like for seriously."

[doubled_speed]

Concern flashed over Tommy's face. Concern that lingered from being a boyfriend.

"If that's true, then maybe I'm not so bad as I always thought."

[kyley_b]

"You're not bad at all." And yeah, that's a really sappy look Kyle is giving him, but he means it.

[doubled_speed]

Oh that look. Tommy remembers it. And memories make him lean forward to kiss Kyle.

Which is stupid. So stupid that he realized he was making a mistake, and just as quickly jerked back.

[kyley_b]

Lacking superspeed, Kyle's left looking stupid as he leans in to meet that kiss that never comes.

[doubled_speed]

Tommy flushes and looks aside. HE feels horrible.

"I'm sorry. I keep forgetting you aren't mine to treat like that."

[kyley_b]

"It's okay."

It's not okay at all. It makes him feel like he's back in high school, waiting around without ever acknowledging that he's lonely, just hoping somehow somebody will love him the way he wants to be loved. But it never happened then, and it's not going to now.

"It's okay, Tommy."

[doubled_speed]

"It's not," he answered, head down. "It's not okay, Kyle."

His hands came up out of the water and puts his face in his hands. This was frustrating. Now he was pining over not one, but two superhero boyfriends he wasn't going to have.

"I'm not okay after that. I was fucking loved. That's a feeling I'm not used to. I felt so much with you. Like I mattered. Like I could be something, was something, was going to help people with more than my powers. I was happy. And it's gone."

[kyley_b]

"You help people without your powers here," Kyle says around the lump in his throat.

"And. I mean. I get it. I really, really get it." He sits there miserably, taking his arm back and hugging himself instead.

"You matter."

[doubled_speed]

Actually, he DOES use his powers here. A lot. More so as food became more and more reliable. But he does look back over at Kyle at last.

It's not that he'd good at reading body language. It's that he's got all the time in the damn world for it.

"Dude, are you okay? Because you're starting to look like you're disappointed in me respecting your autonomy and consent and all that shit."

[kyley_b]

Kyle would argue that's not the ONLY way Tommy helps others. A pointless argument, maybe, but he'd make it.

Kyle scowls. "I don't remember saying 'no' once, actually," he points out. "So you haven't had to respect anything, really."

He forces himself to sink back into the water. "You think you're the only one who was happier there, Tommy? You're not. Okay? I hate it here. I fucking hate it. You think only your powers make you useful? At least you have that. I've got nothing. And I thought... okay, maybe I've met somebody who can stand me, if I stay on my best behaviour - and I was, but it was kinda scary - and it was okay, but it's not being loved, is it? And then we very this perfect fucking life handed to us and finally, FINALLY I wasn't lonely all the goddamn time. This place fucking SUCKS."

[doubled_speed]

Shit. He’s an asshole, isn’t he? A massive fucking asshole. Tommy’s hands clench under the water until finally he can’t take it. He reaches for the idiot and touches his arm because right in this moment that is a safe spot.

“I know. Trust me, I fucking know. When I first got to the shitty fucking place, I was lonely as hell. I was basically shut out of Billy’s life, and Teddy’s by extension. My parents I hadn’t seen since I got sent to juice the last time, Wanda avoided us, Vision did worse than that. I was all alone.”

Then he met David and got kidnapped to be used against his brother.

“I was alone and scared and couldn’t do anything I thought. There wasn’t even enough food for me to risk my powers much. The ships hadn’t really arrived yet, and it was all new and we were boned. Vision, my dad, he taught me how to start believing in me I guess.”

Something he had gotten bad at again with time.

“I tried so hard, to be what people would like so I wouldn’t be alone. And at least I was lucky and had Billy. We were together in it all. Until… until Teddy showed up and I realized how alone I was. Maybe that whole life there was because of that. Because I was alone. There you made me not alone, both in love and in friendship. You were everything.”

And now here came the big but. He was scared he was going to get lectured for it, so he rushed the words out in a sort of tumble that might have made someone else breathless.

“I don’t wanna be lonely either but that wasn’t here and me. It’s maybe who I could be, but I’m not him so I can’t grab what was his with both hands because maybe it’ll slip through my fingers and maybe that would be even worse. I want the person I know as my best friend and kissing you might shut that the fuck down because stupid weird awkward ‘I’ve seen his dick and slept with him and does that count as losing my virginity’ shit.”

[kyley_b]

Kyle listens, nodding because he can imagine how it must have been. It's only when Tommy reaches the 'but' that he feels his chest ache again.

"No, I totally get it," he says. "You're right. I'd rather have a best friend than fuck everything up."

Oh, he's lying. But it's not the first time, and the only consolation is that it's such a well worn falsehood that he's confident nobody could guess the truth. He forces a smile.

"I mean... it counts if you want it to? I'm surprised you were a virgin."

[doubled_speed]

“Dude, as someone who trots out that whole ‘nah I get it I wanna be friends too’ bullshit defensively, I’m not sure how much either of us believes that.”

Tommy barely believes it in himself.

“I wanna kiss you. I also wanna make sure that if I kiss you it is because I wanna kiss you, if that makes sense. Not some spell that latched on to us, but me. And I wanna be sure that if you kiss me, it’s because you wanna kiss me, and it isn’t something Billy put in your head or something. Which I can’t be until he wakes up and I talk to him.

How much had their desires shapes the reality and how much was a bad script? How much was real and how much was lingering echoes. He didn’t even know how to figure that out.

Hell, he didn’t even know if it mattered. Wasn’t feeling it half the battle anyway? Or more.

“Fuck, I hate thinking. It’s not my norm. Normally I just act. It hasn’t led me wrong as much as it should.”

But he blushes a little at Kyle’s statement.

“Uh, like, David and I hadn’t gotten to proper terms back home, and that was forever ago. Nothing more than heavy makeouts.”

[kyley_b]

Dammit.

Kyle's jaw sets. "Can't let me have a little dignity, huh Tommy? Jesus."

He looks away as Tommy explains himself, jaw tense and eyes blinking too much. His sinuses feel hot. Gradually he gets himself under control, forcing himself to act normal.

The sudden realization that he was someone's first shocks him out of his upset.

"Oh. Well. Uhm. Happy to help?"

[doubled_speed]

The shock earns a bit of a snicker from Tommy. Because that is easier to handle than anything else going on. He doesn’t want to point out that dignity is stupid and letting Kyle have it was something he was trying to a degree in not shoving a tongue down his throat.

“Yeah, don’t tell anyone. I have a reputation or something. Completely fake, but I like it.”

God, he feels like he’s going in circles. So he supposed he should cut right through that chasing his tail thing now.

“There’s something you can’t tell Wanda, but I think it might help you, like, get this stupid bullshit going on in my head. Is that something you can do, man?”