revivalproject | the pack survives (caves

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the pack survives (caves - during the calibrations)

WHO: Sansa Stark
WHERE: the Caves
WHAT: mourning and trying to have a stiff upper lip about it
WHEN: 6/17 - 6/30
WARNINGS: sadness.

Every morning after calibrations were over, the first thing Sansa did was clutch James into her arms and hold him tight. She counts all his fingers and all his toes and she holds him as close as she dares without making him squirm and then nurses him. Usually at some point, Tyrion comes in and says good morning to her, wanting to get this early time with James before they have to deal with everyone else in the caves and be in a good mood.

Today, he doesn't come.

Sansa doesn't think much of it while she gets James pinned into a fresh diaper and goes to where Tyrion's room is. She doesn't see him there and she doesn't see his effects, either - there's not even a golden hair on the pillowcase. She looks around the caves, more and more frantic, and then she realizes what has happened. The Agrii, whom she's always thought kinder and more benevolent than the Atroma they used to live under, have taken Tyrion. She knows he must go back to do great things, same as she had to, but it isn't the same. It isn't fair.

Sansa finds a place that is slightly tucked away to sit in silence. She was off cavorting in other peoples' memories and her own family has been taken from her again. She's never wanted anything more than to just be happy and it seems her life isn't where happiness will come. She hasn't seen her in years and can barely remember the sound of her voice or the tender touch of her hands but she wants her mother. Sansa knows that James needs his mother, though, so she just holds him as tight as she dares. "Not you. Never you. You'll never lose me. I'll follow you to the ends of the earth and back, little wolf." James cries a little, not wanting to be held so tightly at the moment, but Sansa doesn't care.

"I love you so much, my darling."

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Calibrations is always... interesting is the most diplomatic way Bucky can think of to put it. Of course, there's also terrifying, invasive, and violating, too. Every morning he wakes up with a bad feeling that they're missing something - something obvious - and every morning he tries to stick to some kind of routine, checking in on people, checking the damn empty wall that should have been their way out of this tunnel, because if he doesn't stick to a routine, then he's going to go crazy.

At some point in the morning, that routine generally involves checking on Sansa and Tyrion and James; even if they don't always talk, he tries to at least get eyes on them and make sure things seem okay. This morning... this morning, it takes longer than usual to find them - and even then, he only finds Sansa, and only because of the soft cries James is making.

That's... not good. "Sansa? What's wrong?"

It could be anything, from colic to... well, things he doesn't want to jump to without more information.

Sometimes Sansa just forgets that Bucky isn't James and she certainly isn't thinking of it this morning. Hearing his voice releases a floodgate in her and when she looks up, she's openly crying again in spite of telling herself she wasn't going to do this.

"My husband is gone," she manages after starting and stopping a few times. "Tyrion disappeared and I don't know if it was when I was in someone else's memory or when someone was in mine. I don't know. You can't let me sleep, Bucky. I can't sleep. If I fall asleep, they can take James too."

Well, shit.

Bucky immediately drops to the floor beside her, shoulder bumping gently against hers as he reaches out to put a hand on her knee, careful of the infant she's cradling to her chest. "Sansa," he breathes, feeling angry, outraged on her behalf, but not wanting to explode at her. It's not her fault. Of course it's not. "Of course," he says, knowing it might not be a plausible course of action, but it's going to be what she needs to hear right now. They'll work out the details later. "We won't let anyone take him from you."

He knows they're being compelled to sleep. But maybe, at worst, they can sleep in shifts. He can bring Steve in. They're both super soldiers; neither of them needs much sleep.

And for now, "Want me to start by getting you something hot and caffeinated to drink?" he asks, softly.

Sansa nods at his offer of a warm drink. She knows she'll need something to keep her awake longer than she usually sleeps and while she usually sticks to tea, she'll take the coffee others drink just now.

"If you can get it to make you coffee, I'll take that. I know I'm normally a tea drinker but it's paramount that I stay awake just now. Absolutely paramount."

Bucky nods wordlessly, giving her knee another squeeze before pushing himself up. "I'll be back in a few."

When he does come back, it's with two mugs of what passes for coffee, as well as something to eat, even if it is just the stupid protein gel. Sansa's going to need to eat, and he suspects she hasn't yet prioritized it this morning. "We'll make a plan. Someone can stick with you. Steve and I don't sleep much."

He wants to tell her it'll be all right, but he doesn't want to lie. Still, his eyes are soft as he holds out the mug first, not sure if she's going to want to keep ahold of James or not. He's happy to take the little boy while she eats and drinks, but he can't blame her for not even wanting to let her son that far away.

Sansa sighs heavily and while she's trying to juggle James and the coffee, she realizes she's going to have to give her son up for a moment if she's going to manage. She doesn't expect that Bucky's going to abscond with him, though, so she carefully offers James to him.

"Here, hold your namesake. He's a little squirmy this morning because I've been holding him too tightly. I just didn't want to let him go. Not yet. But if you're right here and I can see him, that will be all right."

Cloud would aimlessly walk around in the morning he couldn't sleep sometimes. At other moments he didn't really sleep. They were being forced to sleep and that's something he had been all but too aware of by now. He disliked it to no end but at least he got to learn about people. They got learn about him since he doesn't really speak up much about himself to anyone. He keeps to himself or tries to flee from conflicted emotions that he couldn't really explain for himself.

There's brief muttering and he's sure he might be hearing things. Cloud stops in his tracks to look around trying to figure out where exactly the sounds were coming from. He carefully walks around until he spots Sansa. He walks a bit faster to get to her and crouches in front of her but still giving her personal space.

"Sansa, what's going on?" He didn't want to touch he right away in case she got defensive. Cloud kept a bit in front of her wanting her to know that he was at least here if she needed it.

"My husband disappeared."

Her tone is flat and her voice is a bit raw from crying but there's no other way to describe what's happened. She knows Tyrion went back to do great things and that he doesn't die but it doesn't change that she's lost her husband and the father of her child.

"When I awoke this morning, he was gone. I looked everywhere."

How many others would come and go? Cloud wondered about this. Sansa is someone he had recently met. Tyrion and her could have been here for a long while. On top of that her son wouldn't have a father here. He calmly looks at her knowing that he can't do all that much.

"I'm sorry. I know that it will be difficult." Cloud frowns knowing that he had seen something similar before. "A loss is never easy." He's been through his fair share of them. He still doesn't reach out but he stays close in case she may feel the need to grab onto something.

"It will. I've borne grief and difficulty before," Sansa admits. "It's well familiar to me. It's just that I've never had to do it with a child who depends upon me for everything. I have to keep myself together for him."

Cloud has calmed her a little, though, so she doesn't grasp James quite so tightly. He stops squirming so much in response.

"He needs me to be his mother so his mother I will be."

"All emotions a queen would go through for her land and subjects." Cloud takes in what she says realizing that Sansa is probably deathly afraid of losing her own child now. "The road will not be easy. I don't know how my own mother did it on her own. But she managed. As long as you have friends or people here to help. You should be able to stay on the road."

He gives her a nod and notices that James seems to settle now as long as she remained relaxed. Cloud felt more at ease with Sansa slowly relaxing in her grievance.

"You will continue to be a good mother to him. There's plenty I'm sure who would not want him to get hurt or you for that matter."

"I know. I am lucky, to have such friends, but my luck isn't manifesting in the way that I would like. Thank you for your words, though. It makes me feel...lighter if not completely better. I've lost a lot," she explains. "But the words you gave me aren't empty. They're true."

It's better than the false sympathy she'd get in Westeros, that's for certain, and she knows the people here appreciate her just as she is and not for her title and position.

"My luck hasn't exactly been the best since I arrived here. But not quite as worse as yours. You're welcome. I've lost a lot too." Cloud says softly back. He looks at her silently. "I haven't lost anyone here. But I know how I would be when they might leave themselves and not return."

They all could leave. The connections they make here could too. He understands where Sansa is coming from. It is a never ending circle that has its moment of happiness and sadness. "But I will have to remind myself to continue on living."

"As will I. The sun will rise and set and I'll have to keep going. If not for me, for the baby, and I'm just going to have to get used to my new normal."

It will take time, as these things always do, but getting through the pain is terrible at first. Sansa is more than familiar with it.

"Good. I know you will care for your baby, Sansa. Your new normal doesn't have to be difficult. I don't know much about babies, but I know about children." Cloud's still getting used to Marlene and Denzel. They could have their own adventures without having to do much. Sometimes they needed that extra attention that any child would need from their parent or guardian.

He looks at her while asking softly. "Is there anything that you need?"

"I wish I knew what to say," Sansa says. "I wish it was something tangible that I wanted, something I could obtain and everything was all right again. It's just not that easy and I hate it."

It's awful, not knowing what to do. Cloud wants to help, though, and she appreciates that more than anything.

"You being here helps, though."

"You don't have to say anything." Cloud knows certain wishes can't be done but he looks at Sansa understanding what she was saying. "All you can do is keep going if that's what you can obtain."

He doesn't really know but he feels that they would want them to keep living their lives. Even if the loss will be fresh for a while he would go on. Cloud's eyebrows raise as he gives a small smile at her.

"I could sit and stay a while." What else is there to do really?

"I think I would like that, if you stayed with me for a while. It feels less lonely with a friend nearby."

Sansa is blessed to have such friends who care for her, those friends who would come to her in her hour of need and take care of her when she's feeling a loss so keenly. She hadn't had so many to confide in back home but here is so much different.

Cloud gives a nod at Sansa. He makes a careful movement to stand first before walking a bit to get to her one side. The movements are quiet too so he doesn't disturb the baby all that much. Cloud then sits next to her and leans his back against the wall.

"I will stay for as long as you need. Don't worry about my own needs for now. I'll let you know when I may need to go and with enough warning."

It wouldn't do any good to end up leaving suddenly. Sansa might want some alone time later if they find out that not many come by this way.

It doesn't take long for Sansa's distress to summon Wanda. This place is awful, and it's no place to raise a newborn, but that doesn't account for the degree of distress she's picking up. Her blood turns to ice. They should be physically safe here, so something must be terribly, terribly wrong.

"Sansa?" she calls from enough of a distance not to startle before coming to kneel beside her. "What's wrong? Is James all right?"

"Tyrion disappeared," Sansa says flatly. It's a fact and there's no way to make it pretty or to dance around it. Tyrion has disappeared and she's now raising a child alone. It's nothing she cannot handle but right now, her emotions feel as if they've been scraped over sharp rock and exposed to the world.

"It's just James and I in the world now. He'll be fatherless."

Oh. Oh no. How could the Agrii be so cruel as to leave Sansa a single mother barely a month after James was born? Whether they meant to or not, their refusal to just move on with their lives is causing so much suffering. They've had centuries; they could have gone anywhere or become anything else...but no, they chose to kidnap people and make them suffer too.

"I don't know what they've done to him but I am going to find out. And when I do...I will do whatever it takes to save him and Vision and everyone else we've lost." Her voice softens. "But until then...you don't have to do this alone, Sansa. There are still people here who love you both."

"I know you all love me," Sansa says. "But I still think of what would happen if I were back home in Westeros. As a queen, I think I would be protected, but normally noblewomen are given a month or two to mourn before remarrying. I'd be in another man's bed before James was half a year old."

Here, she doesn't have to be, but the thought of it is still terrifying. "I still can't help but be afraid it'll be you next time, or James, or even worse that I'll be taken and he won't have a mother."

She wishes there was something truly comforting that she could say, but the simple fact is that despite all her power, there's nothing at all Wanda can do to stop this from happening. She couldn't even save Vision from it. She hadn't even been able to save herself from it when the Atroma had 'lost' her back on the Fleet, and she never did manage to recover those memories.

It's horrible. Sometimes it feels like it's not really different from that dingy cell in Strucker's fortress, except that time, even if she'd been lied to, she'd chosen to bear it for the sake of her people.

But none of them had a choice in this. They never seem to get a choice, the Agrii just do whatever they want to them. Wanda would take getting Vision and Tyrion and her friends back safely over revenge any day, but if she's being honest, she's not sure she'll get either.

"I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or next week, or the week after that. All I know is that we have to take care of each other because the Agrii can't or won't." Carefully, she rests a hand on Sansa's shoulder. "You both have me as long as I am here. I promise."

Sansa clings to her, happy to have a person who can be her shoulder and her rock when she's had to be strong for so very long. Sansa has bit back her tears for years because tears are a weakness. In a world ruled by men, she needs to have a steel spine and a cool mask even if she's falling apart inside.

Wanda can see through that, though, and she lets herself weep. It's safe to let herself go with Wanda. It's safe to be herself in this circle of her son and her sister in heart even if she isn't her sister by blood.

"I love you so much, Wanda. No matter what happens, I want you to know that."

"I love you too." Wanda holds Sansa close, glad that they've at least had each other through losing both of their husbands. "I don't know what I would have done if we weren't together."

Fall apart even more, probably. Some days it feels like she can barely get out of bed, especially here. It's hard to find a point when they're trapped.

She holds them both a little longer, and although they don't have tea here, maybe there's something else she can do. "Can I make your breakfast? You need to keep your strength up."

"I should eat, yes. If you made me something, I think I could manage to get some of it down. I am bad about eating when I'm in grief unless someone pushes me to do it but James needs me to eat so I'm strong enough to nurse him and care for him."

Sansa doesn't want her milk to dry up because she's simply stopped eating. She knows that's a possibility.

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the pack survives (caves - during the calibrations)

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