revivalproject | I am learning to trust the journey

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I am learning to trust the journey

WHO: Billy, Soldier
WHERE: Soldier's hideout
WHAT: Awkward sleepover? Avoiding Tommy
WHEN: The night of the fight
WARNINGS: TBD?

Billy teleported part of the way there, and started walking. It gave him time to think, not that there hadn't been plenty of that all ready. He really thought he was doing what was right. It wasn't the disagreement that bothered him so much as the lack of control. To be told he couldn't do something, that he wasn't allowed. And then Tommy had deleted their conversation, taking that choice from him too.

And he knew it was a sensitive subject. Beyond sensitive. But this wasn't like that. It was a few scans maybe, and with Billy's consent.

He sighed, still going back and forth in his mind as to whether he was in the wrong. He just needed to get out of the house. They both needed some space.

Billy wondered if Soldier had found him yet. Probably a while ago. He glanced around, trying to see if he could spot him, but as far as he could tell he was alone.

He pulled out his phone.
I'm almost there. You're right behind me, aren't you?

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"As many as I can, yes." His memories of that world, and his memories of the memories he had in that place. Whatever he could recall, he recorded. He didn't hold it against Billy, but he didn't know how to explain why he wanted them preserved, when he struggled with them too.

He shook his head, then shrugged. "Mostly memories, when I can recall a new one."

Edited 2021-07-02 02:55 (UTC)

"Maybe you should try your hand at some fiction too? You could be our resident author," he offered.

"Did you eat yet? I packed a few things if you want- or I can magic something if you're craving anything specific?"

"Aren't the memories from the other place a fiction already?" He didn't really write for the enjoyment of it, and didn't know how to tell Billy as much.

"I haven't eaten," he replied, ushering Billy into the shelter ahead of him. "I'm sure anything you brought is fine." Probably better than what he'd scavenged, anyway.

"I guess some of them, yeah." Some were complete fictions, others built off of very real memories. It was fine, Billy just wished the Solider had something...fun. Something that served no benefit beyond enjoyment.

He stepped inside. The place didn't look all that different from the last time he'd been here, not that Billy expected huge changes. He stooped to open up his bag, shooting the Soldier a playful look, "You agree too easily sometimes, you know that? I could have anything in here," he teased, fishing out a few cans of pop and some instant ramen bowls he'd magicked up a while back to stock the Young Avenger's cupboards.

"So there you are. Fiction writing." It wasn't what Billy meant, and he knew it, but he didn't want to dwell too much on hobbies and perceived hobbies. He did just fine; the fact that he could choose his daily activities, the shape of his day, was almost too much freedom sometimes. The feeling was almost heady.

"When you've had to experience your meals intravenously, you tend not to be picky about actual food." Cryo, and the sickness upon being brought out of it, was a bitch. "Besides," he pointed out, "I didn't expect you to be much in the mood for pranks."

Edited 2021-07-05 20:19 (UTC)

Definitely not the same, but Billy wasn't going to argue. He'd just continue with subtle (or not so subtle) pushes to try and find something the Soldier enjoys.

He offered a sympathetic frown. Right. But all the more reason to take advantage of the chance to be gifted anything he might be able to imagine, right?

"Yeah, not really," he admitted with a nod, and his brow creased anxiously, "...do you think Tommy's right?"

Billy was about as subtle as an explosion, but that was fine. He didn't really mind because Billy also didn't push in directions he refused to go, or try to get him to be something he wasn't. At least not so far.

Sitting down against a wall, the Soldier considered his companion and what he remembered of that now deleted conversation. "I don't think I agree with his reasons," he began. "And I don't trust this scientist at all. But the ultimate decision is yours to make."

Billy used his magic to prepare the ramen, nudging a steaming bowl towards the Soldier, and a pair of chopsticks on top. It was a good distraction, a way to occupy his hands as he thought.

"I think that's the part that made me so mad...I know why he's worried. I get that. But- the way he forbid it..."

Part of why he didn't object to the meal was also that Billy was using his magic, to do something he wanted to do of his own free will. That was important, after the last month. He also wanted Billy to see that he was comfortable around said magic; he still didn't understand all of it or what it could do, but it was a part of Billy. That was all that mattered.

He took the bowl carefully, waiting until Billy settled before sniffing at the broth. It smelled better than the last instant noodles he'd had, back before he'd been taken by the Fleet.

"He loves you, yes? Your brother? Perhaps he thinks by forbidding you, that he's actually forbidding anything from hurting you. But it doesn't work that way."

Billy nodded with a faint frown, pushing his noodles about to distract himself as he spoke.

"He's been hurt before." He kept the specifics to himself, but it was easy enough to infer. "I don't want to make him worry or be...insensitive to what he's gone through or anything- I just-...it's important. And I don't think any of this is going to be scary or intense testing, but even if it was...it'd be worth it?"

"Would it?" The Soldier followed the movements of those hands, picking up on how Billy seemed to use movement to help order his thoughts. He filed the information away, trying to tell himself that it didn't matter, that he wasn't trying to analyze Billy.

Except that he was, not just to learn about him but also in observation of how normal people acted.

"I don't know enough about this scientist to know what he could glean from such experiments. But I worry that he could find a way to control you, as I was once controlled."

He nodded certainly, without thought, before glancing up with a conflicted look. Was that bad?

"...I guess he could," Billy agreed, "But I really don't get the impression he wants that." Was that too trusting? "Someone all ready can control me. So-..." Even if that was what he wanted, would it really change things that much?

"So who is he working for?" Himself? The Agrii? Someone or something else entirely? They had no way of knowing. He shook his head. "I can't do anything but mistrust him, you know that. And his attitude likely has many people upset. I just don't know if it's a smokescreen or not."

Even with HYDRA, not all the scientists were bad, or believed fully in the vision. Of course they didn't always last, and the innocent ones didn't always stay that way, but that was part of the danger of the organization.

"I think he just wants to understand? Like the rest of us." Billy shrugged, and plucked out a few noodles to finally take a bite.

"His people skills need some work maybe, but he's been dropped into this messed up situation with a bunch of people who are more or less used to it. I'd be pretty frustrated too."

"You know I have to pose this question: does he wish to understand what happened to put someone under so deep? Or does he wish to understand how your magic, specifically, works?" He shrugged, taking a careful bite of his meal. "I could come up with other possible scenarios, likely all without satisfying answers."

He shook his head. "I won't prevent you from this, if it's what you want. I'll aid you, if you need me to stand between you and your brother. But I think you should consider trying to get more information before making a decision either way."

"...Maybe a bit of both." He was a scientific oddity, that was sure to attract at least a little interest, "But I really do think his main goal is to figure out what happened so we can...get out of here."

"I don't want to fight Tommy, and I don't wanna hurt him either, I just- I need to do this. I need to know how they took control of me."

"Even so, I'm not inclined to trust him. But you know my feelings on trusting people anyway; I can't help view the possible threats." A hard way to live perhaps, but a good way to stay alive.

"I'm going to attempt to contact them. You know that I believe I was also used for some time." He paused briefly. "I can't ask you to wait until they answer, but I will share what I find out."

"We don't have a date set or anything, and Tommy might have scared him off. I can wait a while."

He shared a concerned smile with him. "...you wanna talk any more about that? What they did?"

"And possibly find out more about this supposed scientist and his intentions?" They might have luck, but they might not. In any event, hopefully the tension between the brothers would ease somewhat.

The Soldier shrugged, placing his bowl down and letting his head drop back against the wall for a moment. "What can I tell? I have only vague impressions of memories. They likely wiped me after use."

"Maybe," he agreed softly. Learning a little more couldn't hurt. And he'd like to know Tommy wasn't going to hate him for it.

"...How you feel about it?" Billy tried with a shrug. He knew that was getting kind of personal, but- they also had a unique understanding of what that was like. There wasn't any pressure in the words, if the Solider didn't want to share that was fine too.

He personally doubted that the rift between brothers would last. They seemed to care very much for each other; likely that would overcome the argument they had. Until then, he didn't mind if Billy needed a place to stay. There was plenty of room, and no one to disturb him.

He started to shrug the question off; did it matter what he felt? He supposed that it did, because at least he could feel now. That wasn't always the case. "Tired of being used as someone else's weapon," he replied. "But better me than someone else."

Sometimes just speaking that feeling aloud, putting it out into the universe could help your mind process it better. That was more or less what Billy's mother had taught him. Acknowledging those feelings your mind tried to keep bottled up and letting yourself really feel them.

He nodded, a little touched that he'd actually gotten an answer, even if the answer he got made him sad.

"...why do you think you matter less than anyone else?"

If Billy was saddened by what he'd admitted, it was only going to get worse. The Soldier kept to himself most of his feelings about this place and their role in it; they weren't happy thoughts. They were also a large part of the reason that he kept himself separate from so many of the community building activities; he knew he didn't fit.

"If they are truly using my unique skill set, then better they trigger me and wipe me when they're done, than try to make their own version of a Winter Soldier out of anyone else."

Which was the exact opposite of a healthy outlook, most likely, but the Soldier couldn't discount the possibility. And he couldn't ignore that they'd just figured out how to use someone's skills to overwrite a mind; that meant it could happen again, potentially without a positive outcome.

Billy clearly didn't agree with that logic, giving a pointed frown.

"Even if they were just using you- which it doesn't seem like they are anymore- that's not okay either," he argued. The Soldier didn't deserve that any more than the rest of them did.

"You matter as much as the rest of us."

"I'm less of a person than most of you," he countered. In his eyes it was a simple truth. Though he was trying to learn to be something else, it wasn't exactly easy and wouldn't come overnight. He didn't know if it would come at all in a place like this.

"Besides, one day their hold won't be as tight as it needs to be, and I'll be able to move against them. I must hold to that."

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