No News is Fake News

[out_of_order]

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May 23, XXXX

Alien Invasion

It must be a Wednesday.

They came without warning, masses of strange extra-terrestrials with giant heads and strange speaking patterns. Acting unprovoked, they immediately set forth in terrorizing the city. They picked the wrong city.

With local heroes like The Vanguard quick to respond to the scene, the potential threat was immediately neutralized that most residents didn't even realize there had been a problem. Thank our heroes that we can all sleep (and work!) easier with them always on the watch.

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Star-Studded Fundraiser

The stars were out early and dazzled well into the evening at this latest Stark-sponsored charity event and true to the its name, it did not disappoint! Renowned figures and household names from our fair city made an appearance, including some surprises! It seemed like anyone who was anybody was there, and as invitations were exclusive, it was a once of a lifetime opportunity.

No expenses spared, right down to the details from the venue's decor to the food, and the items on the auction block, the highlight of the event, were certainly nothing to bat an eye at. Models for the evening's showcase had been replaced with large, winged cats, a strange change up for the occasion however met largely with approval.

Cat Fight

The fur would have been flying if the cats weren't mechanical, but what reporter can't resist a good pun, especially in a showdown between these two? The Meowchanist and his army of iron kittens stopped a cat burglar before she could make off with her prizes. A prolonged encounter would have been catastrophic, but thankfully property damage was minimal. Unfortunately the cat burglar is still at large. Police continue to strongly advise locking windows and doors, and perhaps invest in large dogs.

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The Eyes Have It

Imagine enjoying a typical evening when you suddenly looked up at the night sky and found it was literally staring right back at you. That's exactly what happened and there are still no real reasons as to what and how. There were reports of several buildings collapsed in upon themselves but strangely enough, no casualties, although many sustained varying injuries.

Some witnesses claim that the Magnus Institute was a focal point, the building itself warping. Others reported seeing large eyes everywhere in the area. Still many seem convinced it was some kind of mass-hallucination and suggest that the building implosions were due to gas leaks. Investigations are ongoing.

The Sleep Talker Strikes Again

A robbery at the First National Loan Savings & Bank was dramatically deescalated as the gunman was literally talked down by a man who has been dubbed the Sleep Talker. Police who arrived on scene found the entire staff and customers within sound asleep, suspect included. No injuries were reported.

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Caution! Contents May Be Hot

They don't put those warnings on those cups for no reason. People usually don't expect to have their coffee weaponized, but it's proven very effective, especially at everyone's favorite shop down on Vine and Brooklyn. Due to a customer's quick thinking, a potential hostage situation was neutralized before any shots could be fired.

This has spurred a trend in travel thermos sales and new products claiming coffee to be the next pepper spray. These items are still being tested, but coffee shop owners are unanimous in that they prefer their coffee to be drunk and not thrown. Please drink responsibly.

Artistic Arsonist

Reported in the early morning hours, a haunting, flaming, three-eyed face with a fanged smile that burned merrily against the backdrop of a Stark Industries logo for approximately half an hour before the rest of the billboard was caught up in flames. While there were no witnesses as to this first case of arson, a second, broader act occurred the following night along a stretch of Main Boulevard between Haven and First which had fire burning in the street well into the early morning hours, causing a headache for early morning commuters. There have been reports of a hooded figure in the area, with some claims that the suspect had glowing blue eyes. The normally busy thoroughfare during the day became a massive canvas that spelled out in large, fiery letters the following message:

DON'T FORGET, HE ROWS

There have so far been no connections made to this mysterious message or its potential meaning. City officials suggest that it may simply be a prank, and the police are looking into security footage from nearby businesses in order to narrow down and eventually arrest the suspected arsonist. Comments have been made as to which was the worst crime, the arson or the bad spelling.

No Task Too Small

It must have been a slow day for Captain America, but even then he still proves to be the hero everyone needs, including this orange tabby who got himself stuck up in a tree. Some might argue that this may be a waste of taxpayers money, but there are plenty of cat lovers out there who are thankful just knowing they have someone they can count on if dear old Fluffy ever happened to get stuck somewhere. But that just begs the question- how much do superheroes actually get paid?

Man Gets Rental Car Crushed (Again)

Think you've got bad luck? Check out this guy!

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