You can't hide from your problems | Calibrations

[wearingthestars]

WHO: Billy Kaplan, OPEN
WHERE: Billy's Calibration Room
WHAT: Calibrations
WHEN: 3 June - 10 June
WARNINGS: Potential Warnings for Violence, Depression, Death and Suicide, but also some happy things



The room you step into isn't all that different from Billy's actually room back home, for those that know it. It looks like the room of a typical nerdy teenager, walls adorned with posters of his favourite heroes, and a desk cluttered with unfinished homework. There's shelves with books, and assorted action figures, as well as a few old games- like operation, which don't seem to have gotten much attention lately, covered in a layer of dust.

Billy lays on his bed with an assortment of comics, reading through them, though when he glances up you might note that his eyes are wrong. All black with fields of stars, like you can see the depths of universe in them.

He curls a finger, and a box beneath the bed scoots further back into the darkness.

Comments

[wearingthestars]

Billy looks a bit anxious, but nods; he's outed Tony's identity twice now without meaning to.

"They'd lost a lot of people. They didn't want to lose us too," he explains. And looking back...they were so young, he's not sure he wouldn't do the same faced with those kids. "...Cass especially. Tony and her had a talk, she told us about it after. Her Dad was an Avenger, she grew up around them all, and- and he got...killed. By one of their team mates. Tony was scared of losing her...He kind of places the blame for these things on himself...even when he doesn't deserve it."

No, Billy doesn't see the parallel in that statement.

[plate_builder]

Well, Reeve wasn't going to say anything about that fact.

Still... Reeve can't say that he agrees.

"That does not mean that those who can should not act, just because they are young. One of my best friends that helped save the world? She was maybe sixteen at the time. And she lacked powers of your caliber."

[wearingthestars]

"They come around," he offers with a small smile, "We weren't super good at listening. But...they weren't entirely wrong either, so..."

There had been losses. Major losses.

[plate_builder]

"I understand them wanting to protect you. But it's your world too," Reeve muses. He's a man that is good at understanding opinions.

[wearingthestars]

"It is," he agrees, looking conflicted still. After all, for all they've helped, there's been more than a few times that he's nearly ended that world too.

"...I can make a door...if you want to go-" he offers softly.

[plate_builder]

Surely he's seen enough for there to be a door. And yet he hasn't bothered to look.

"If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I may not understand, but I'll try and support."

[wearingthestars]

"...The girl from the memory...Cassie. She um...she dies. She gets killed because of me. I dragged everyone along, and then I did something stupid and-...I keep hurting the people I care about when I'm trying to do something good, and I'm scared Cap was right to stop us..."

[plate_builder]

Ah. Reeve sighs and looks up at the ceiling.

"One of my team passed away in our pursuit of saving the world," he says. "She was... young. And kind. And sweet. But she chose to put herself in the line of danger, and if anyone dared say that we were responsible, that she didn't choose the path she walked, she'd probably smack us with her staff."

[wearingthestars]

Billy breathes out a small, sad laugh. It's like he's describing Cassie. But it doesn't quite lessen that guilt.

"This wasn't world saving stuff. This was just...- I want to be better...for everyone. I want to be okay, but I don't know if I am..."

[plate_builder]

"Tell me, this Cassie. Did you know her well? What would she think about you blaming yourself?"

That really is the only question one can ask.

[wearingthestars]

"...She wouldn't want that," he mutters. It's not the first time he's been made to say it, but it never really seems to do much for that guilt. And it's not like that's the only person he's hurt...

[plate_builder]

"Did you force her to be wherever she as that day?"

[wearingthestars]

"...It was my idea. They tried to talk me out of it..." He didn't drag her kicking and screaming, he knows that.

"...I know I didn't...make it happen, but--" he trails off, "...I shouldn't be bothering you with this."

[plate_builder]

And yet they had joined him, by their own choice.

"What is the point of older people who have made mistakes if not to be an ear for those who are still young and need assured that their mistakes are just part of life. Part of growing? I've lost so many people thanks to my actions, that I know what it feels like. Surely offering my experience is something worth doing."

[wearingthestars]

"It's...different," Billy insists, "I should be able to fix it. I've got all this power, and I can't use it to help the people I love. Bad things keep happening, and I could literally will it not to be, but-..."

[plate_builder]

"Power is not always enough," Reeve challenges. "Politically, financially, and connections wise, there is no denying I am the most influential man in my world in some ways. But I can't use that to save the people I love either."

[wearingthestars]

It's not exactly the same, but Billy understands the sentiment, biting at his lip.

"...I know. It's just...hard. And people don't always understand when you can't- even if you want to- it...it doesn't work out..."

[plate_builder]

"Yes, people... expect so much more than others can give," Reeve agrees. He's been through it. But not to the weight that this young man has by his age. How sad.

"All you can do is be yourself."

[wearingthestars]

"Myself is pretty confusing," Billy admits, giving a small laugh that really only he can appreciate the full context of.

"...You're good at this. Talking things out. You remind me of my Mom...she's a Psychologist. She was always trying to get to talk about this kind of stuff."

[plate_builder]

"It's harder to talk to parents about your failings. You want them to be proud of you. The things you aren't proud of, you don't want to tell them," Reeve observes, and he sighs. "If... If I'm good at this, it's because I've been through many things in my life. And I've seen where not talking gets things. My work was with a major corporation, I often had to use my words to bring people around to the important conclusions I had to offer them. Because people don't like to listen very often."

Especially when you tell them they are wrong or the things they want aren't possible.

[wearingthestars]

"Yeah..." Billy seems to resonate hard with that one, and for a moment those stars fade away completely, leaving just Billy. "I know they're there for me...all of them. But- ...I lost myself for a while...Everyone else was hurting, and I was just...gone. I need to be there for them...I need to make up for what I did."

[plate_builder]

"No," Reeve corrects, reaching out to touch the young man's shoulder. "That's not how it works. Loving and caring about them, and wanting to be open? Yes. But your pain is yours. Your healing is yours. Everyone, everyone grieves in very different ways, and must process it differently. No one can understand the pain and mourning of another. Some people grieve better by coming together. Some shut down. You grieved how you did, and in time you have clearly come out of it, given the kindnesses you have given us. Healing is a process. Accept the steps forward with joy. Accept the slips back with faith that there will be more forward. And don't blame yourself for how everything in between plays out."

[wearingthestars]

In the real world Billy might not have been quite so forward with his next move, but that's harder here, so despite being relatively unfamiliar with one another Reeve will find himself abruptly caught up in a grateful hug.

"...Times almost up. And there's stuff in here you don't want to see. You should go. We can talk on the outside."

[plate_builder]

Good hug. Very nice. Reeve returns it firmly, with a touch more strength than someone would expect of a suit. Maybe he hasn't fully abandoned his farm boy origins.

"Indeed we can. Take care of yourself, young man. I'd hate to have Mini not get to meet the man who gave him an upgrade."