But This is Not Black and White

[out_of_order]

WHO: Cal Kestis, BD-1 and you
WHERE: Sh'Ka
WHAT: Totally avoiding Certain People while trying to recenter himself
WHEN: Mid-July
WARNINGS: N/A
NOTE: Will match tag format/preference!


"I will find you, Cal Kestis."

While the sentiment in those words is nothing new, the real concern that haunts the young Jedi is the fact that the threat is new and most importantly, here on this planet. Worse yet, within a confined area of a planet that they really had no great means to travel to, much less any knowledge of any possible places beyond the two cities they currently have access to.

Cal had thought that being on the run would have been over for him. He'd finally come out of hiding, fearlessly faced the Empire and the Inquisitors it sent relentlessly after him and his friends. He'd infiltrated the Fortress Inquisitorious and somehow made it back out alive. Being able to stay alive after everything is always a positive outcome. Being brought back to Agra 10 was considerably a vacation in comparison.

Once again, he finds himself in a defensive mode. At least he has the Force to rely on, and the one who might seek him out does not, but Cal had learned early on to be wary of Albert Wesker. Those concerns had only been further underlined once he'd found himself in the man's dreamspace.

If nothing else, Sh'Ka proves to be at least much more bearable for the weather. Cal had had BD-1 shoot off a few messages to Tony, Jon and Echo to tell them where he'd be if they needed him, an abrupt enough message to leave without seeing them, but the last thing he wanted was to draw attention to them if Wesker was on the prowl. He decides to revisit the power plant where he'd last set up camp, back when he'd led a small team on the repair work for the power grid. If he's going to be here, he may as well make himself useful and see if he can pick up on what was being done about the water.

It's been easier to find focus here too, for some reason. Calmer. Quieter. When he's not working on the water treatment equipment or tracing water lines, he's up on the roof of the hotel, meditating. It's not an easy spot to get to but it's peaceful, and the view's pretty nice.

Comments

[in_extremis]

The hand still on Tony's chest tensed, the scrape of metal as his finger caught a seam a sharp sound that he didn't really hear anymore. "No, I'm--I'm trying not to tell you what to do," he said awkwardly, with a grimace that led him to amend, "Not trying to...," not really liking it that way, either. Another gear, then, "I'm listening. I know, it's a new thing for me, we're still working out the bugs, and your thing is--I guess you're not supposed to be trying to do something with patience, that's not the intended application." Or try taking a breath.

[out_of_order]

"Not exactly what I meant. It's more like...you kind of always circle around what you're wanting to say. Herding nerfs in the general direction and then giving them a prod when they start wandering too far from where you want them to go."

Cal tilted his head at Tony. "I don't think this is the sort of thing to run headlong into without patience. If it's just a matter of waiting for people to recover from being stuck in Calibrations then I'd rather give that a chance than exacerbate a situation still hot out of the oven."

[in_extremis]

'Nerfs' was so impossible to anticipate that it effectively decayed the context around it, making Tony doubt he heard 'herding' or 'in' correctly until he had properly reconstructed the sentence and by then was already wondering when he had missed Cal's farming experience. There was probably a lot about Cal that he had missed, in Tony's circuitous way of navigating information, neatly proving Cal's point for him even as Tony started to open his mouth to argue. He shut it with a click of his teeth. This changing behaviour thing was going worse than he had thought.

"I believe in systems. Patterns. Collectives. I have a hard time...I'm not good at individuals." Individual people were often cruel, selfish and short-sighted, where humanity as a whole was joyously hopeful. "It's not that everyone lies--that I think you're lying to me...It's just, an average, a larger dataset, is more honest."

[out_of_order]

The Jedi was certainly no farmer. It was one of those metaphors you picked up from people who either knew people who were or had seen it for themselves at some point or another, and while Cal was aware of particular elements being more of a colloquialism, he figured the idea was universal.

Cal could see what Tony was trying to explain, and it made sense for the man who was technically oriented. He nodded.

"I used to believe that too," he said quietly. "To some degree, I still kind of do. But when an entire system you'd depended on and fought for suddenly flips on its head and makes you and your Order out as the enemy and you end up on your own, it makes it hard to really know who you can actually trust in general. Here it isn't as complicated, but sometimes it's still hard, and first impressions have a lot more weight, even though we're all essentially starting on the same page when we first get here. And I can't just pretend Calibrations didn't happen."

[in_extremis]

Tony wasn't entirely sure he had managed a reasonable enough explanation for...herding his nerfs, and watched Cal as he responded intently with a slow nod, because he did seem to understand; he sounded exactly how Cap would respond, in fact, which resolved some questions for Tony. Up to a point. Tony hadn't yet made the connection himself between the broad explanation of his behaviour and why he was nerf herding now.

"You shouldn't," Tony agreed, focus distant again as he tried to recalibrate himself, combing through the conversation for where he might have suggested otherwise. "You're more sure of your connections than your foundations," he decided, so maybe less like Cap in that way. It sounded to Tony like Cal had heard him challenging what had happened, rather than what Cal had decided the incident meant. Good luck following that logic, Cal, because Tony was asking, "Why is that?"

[out_of_order]

"Why's what?" Cal asked, apparently not at all following whatever lines Tony was tracing in his own head to work out how the question related to what he'd just said. He stopped himself just short of raking sticky fingers through his unkempt hair, resting his hand instead on the warm ledge beside him.

[in_extremis]

Tony had to try to distill the disconnect and ultimately produced, "You trust yourself. A lot." It wasn't the shortsighted brashness of an invincible teenager, either; Cal was practically an old man in his approach. "Is that a Force thing?," Tony asked, sounding preemptively disappointed if that was the solution to self-doubt.

[out_of_order]

Cal blinked at him, the clarification seeming just as confusing as the earlier prompt. He breathed out a laugh, shaking his head a little.

"If I can't trust myself then who can I trust?" he asked, pausing at the movement on the other side of Tony before adding with a rueful grin, "-aside from you, BeeDee." He could admit he trusted the little droid more than himself.

"I'm not sure that I'd say it was a 'Force' thing. Or at least, not strictly so. But the influence is there. I have to keep myself in check a lot. It's too easy to act out based on emotions."

[in_extremis]

That was the worst part, and Tony flung a hand open in emphatic, frustrated agreement, eyes wide and just as desperate for the confidence that anyone else could be a reliable authority. There were too many variables. Tony had to force his hand back down to plant behind him again, blowing out a sigh and turning an expectant frown on the droid. Was he ready to take control of this disaster zone?

Tony's focus was dragged backed to Cal with a dubious squint. He was finding it pretty hard to picture Cal doing anything emotionally. "Is it?" he challenged.

[out_of_order]

That was the whole point there. Maybe Cal was doing something right if Tony was questioning it. He looked back at Tony.

"It's different. Being connected to the Force allows us to manipulate it to a degree, to sense where it flows. Giving into strong emotions like anger, we could easily take advantage of that connection, give into the Dark Side. I've seen what people have become when that happens. It's...how the Empire's twisted former Jedi and Padawans...torturing them until they have nothing but hate and fear and anger to feed off on, turning their connection to the Force into a weapon, hunting remaining Jedi."

[in_extremis]

Those all sounded like the correct words; of course hate, fear and anger were the worst of people's impulses. It was just very hard to ignore, "They did win, though." Tony's mouth twisted to the side as he gave an apologetic shrug, fingers lifting from where he propped himself up for some mercy. They weren't talking about whether something was right. It was clearly effective. Wesker acted in anger, and Cal was the one running scared into the woods.

[out_of_order]

Fact as it was, it wasn't something Cal needed a reminder of. His gaze dropped towards the rooftop.

He wasn't sure what Tony was expecting as an answer anymore and wasn't sure if they were still trying to work out solutions. He set what remained of the cheesecake, bag and all, on the roof between them. The warmth hadn't done it any favors, but at least he'd made some progress through it.

"The Dark Side isn't an answer," Cal finally said.

[in_extremis]

Tony did have enough humility to remain in his apologetic slouch, eyes on the crumbling cake as he muttered, "No, I know." Perhaps it wasn't something he should have said at all, though it nagged at him as he collected his helmet, moving carefully like he could avoid disturbing Cal further. It had been forged in so much desperate anger, and was one of the few good things he had ever done. And one of the worst. Every move he had made here against their captors had been out of frustration and pain, no matter how much he told himself it was on behalf of precious lives, and every one had been a mistake. "I know," he mumbled again before slipping on his helmet, and pushing himself to the edge of the roof. "Sorry. I'll be around, if you...There's work to do. You're strong. I don't know."

[out_of_order]

Cal wasn't sure anyone really understood what the Dark Side meant. He wasn't sure he could explain it himself, but he also felt that if it wasn't clear how bad it was from what he'd said of the Jedi made Inquisitors by the Empire, then he didn't know how else to emphasize the danger it would be to everyone else. How much it changed a person.

Tony's movement to grab his helmet startled and dislodged BD-1 from the perch he had taken up upon it like some odd little bird finding an enormous egg. Maybe he thought he'd made a new friend.

"Tony…" Cal started, already bothered by the condensed swirl of conflict he sensed in the man. But he decided maybe it was better to let him go for now, to let them reset from the path the conversation had taken. He got to his feet all the same, reflexively holding an arm out for BD-1 to hop up onto as they watched Tony push away from the rooftop.

Was he really strong? Stubborn, for sure. Persistant, definitely. But he wasn't much alone.

"...I'll see you around," he promised.