revivalproject | Excessive

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Excessive

WHO: A Blackbeard and a black cat
WHERE: Near the Towers
WHAT: Aaah! Monsters!
WHEN: End of March
WARNINGS: Ed has no problem kicking a cat, so watch out for that if you're sensitive.

As a professional scaredy cat, it was not immediately obvious to Salem how moody those wavering obelisks made him. They made him nervous, that was natural. Of course he didn't like looking at them! In fact, he liked looking at them so little that once one appeared near the doors of the tall building that housed the Deep End, Salem made the executive decision not to leave anymore. He had everything he needed, after all. And it was still cold out there, and the little boots that Lark had made him were already crusty with mud that he didn't know how to clean. No, Salem would not be going outside anymore, like a well behaved house cat.

A house cat that could not use a toilet.

There was a certain amount of coordination required for this small, four-legged body to manage the task that he had never bothered to master, and at this point was too fat and pampered to manage even if he tried. And he did, a couple of times, ending up humiliatingly soaked in toilet water and sulking in the staircase where that chicken would not come find him and know his shame. The chicken already knew too much. He was going to have to venture back outside, in as brief of ventures as he could manage.

That was when Salem realized that he didn't even have to be looking at the obelisks to make his stomach clench. He was a master of ignoring the obvious, after all, and should have been able to trot outside with his eyes closed and not even know if the sun was out, and even then he felt his hair standing on end and his ears turning back on their own. That thing really was doing something to him. He shouldn't have ever touched it. What it deserved, then, was to have someone do something to it, and Salem was out here to do some important business.

After days of avoiding the structure, he went slinking up to the one so close to his home turf and sacred sushi place, belly almost on the ground and talking himself through the anxiety with as much pep as he could muster, "You can do this, big guy, be a man, be a witch, you've faced worse things! You've faced plagues! Witch trials! Disco Demolition Night!" Sniffing at its base revealed that no one else wanted to get this close to it, either--if any other animal had been nearby, it was long enough ago that the scent was stale, and the grass was growing tall where it was otherwise pressed down and disturbed.

The only other animal as incredibly brave as Salem as to risk coming near this beacon of horrors was that gigantic goose with antlers.

They stared at each other, both apparently coming to terms with the existence of the other. Then the giant goose opened its very un-goose-like mouth to show the row of teeth that geese did not have, and Salem remembered that he was not brave. Unfortunately, he was still stuck in his pep talk loop, and his solution to being threatened with un-goose-like teeth was to shout, "Be a man!"

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Ed had made his way up from the beach to stock up on drink, and he paused at the unexpected sight that greeted him. He didn't particularly care to interfere in two animals going at it. The cat was clearly going to be made a meal, but everything needed to eat. But then the cat shouted- unmistakably human words coming from the furry beast, and Ed put his coconut hucking skill to work, lobbing a fist sized rock at the giant horned bird.

It really did not like that, screeching and flapping those wing menacingly towards the new aggressor.

"Out of there, witch," he beckoned the cat, drawing his knife. It was really getting a lot of action these days.

There was absolutely no time to be worried about someone else being around to witness Salem's display of manliness. The witch did not need to be told to get a move on, and was already yowling as he tried to bolt away from the giant bird's big, stomping feet, only the thing was entirely unpredictable. It swung around like it might turn its terrible attention toward the new voice, only to sweep its long neck back down in the other direction. Salem was sent sliding through the mud between its flapping feet with a panicked sob before it could snap at his tail.

The rock seemed to miss, which was odd, considering Ed generally had pretty impeccable aim when chucking coconuts. The man-cat screamed, and Ed tried to avoid stepping on it as he ran at the creature, but the creature moved to avoid him with a loud screech. The thing did several full loops around the obelisk with Ed in pursuit before he paused to consider the strange behavior.

"Will you stop your crying and help me corner it?" he snapped at the witch.

Sliding around in the chaos with his eyes closed had left Salem running against the flow, darting blindly around all of the feet then finally stopping and considering this as a plan of action the second time he had to dodge the shouting guy's boots. In fact, Salem was sitting next to the obelisk, crouched tensely but with his ears turned up curiously as the man and goose made more loops around the structure. It was dumb, but so far it was keeping the goose occupied, so Salem ventured, "Yeah, get him!" the next time they came winding into view.

When the man seemed to come to the same conclusion as Salem already had, Salem gave a start, eyes wide in fearful confusion. Getting involved would be counter-productive, he was an amuse-bouche for something that size. Wait, that was funny, quick; "He'd think I was an appetizer!" Wait, no. "That was funnier in my head."

"You will be an appetizer for one of us if you don't stop your cowering," Ed threatened, and in the time the two of them looked away the creature was suddenly gone.

Ed blinked, adrenaline still pumping but no longer any target, and he looked around comically as though it could be hiding behind the strange obelisk. His brows furrowed and he gave the thing a frustrated kick, narrowly missing the cat. It wasn't clear whether the cat or the obelisk were the intended target to be honest.

Salem wasn't about to stop his cowering, even after it suddenly became clear that they were no longer under attack by a giant goose with huge teeth, ready and alert to continue his crouching at the base of the obelisk. Up until that kick came his direction, then he was sufficiently motivated to finally spring away and go sliding again with a hiss and his back arched. The obelisk did that wiggly thing it does, making Salem feel slightly queasy, and sure he was a little drunk as it looked like he was seeing double as shadows seemed to flicker around the thing. And at the edges of his vision, making him want to snap over his shoulder at the darting thing there. "Look, I scared it away. You're welcome," he declared, like the hissing and snapping had come much earlier in the process.

Ed rolled his eyes at the little beast, but finally gave it's talking more consideration now that the larger creature was gone.

"Mmm, and how do I know you didn't bring it here in the first place?"

That was such a salacious accusation that Salem scoffed, horrified, then filed it away for future world domination plans. Small suburb, at the very least. "Do you think if I could point a finger, I'd still be here right now?" he growled. He wasn't in this fuzzy, useless body because he enjoyed it, and this witch should have known as much. "You're the one getting your kicks here. How do I know you didn't conjure that thing?"

"If I knew how to conjure things I'd have come up with something better than that," Ed countered with an amused look, "Or at least gotten to finish the thing off. Where's the fun in it disappearing before I get a proper fight, mm?

The more important question might have been 'why would you want to fight anything like that?', but Salem had different priorities. While this witch being evidently bad at magic was a slight barrier, it was a much flimsier one than what Salem was dealing with, and it sounded like they could really get somewhere if Salem asked, "Like what?"

"..." Ed clearly hadn't given that much thought, and he paused, taken aback by the question, posture shifting as he placed a hand on his hip to think.

"...the Kraken," he said, for starters, though in reality he wasn't sure what he would do if faced with that beast. "A ship. A gun that makes sense."

"Good start. Have you considered something useful?" Salem proposed. A ship? What HOA were they supposed to commandeer with that? A single gun? Looking very put upon, Salem gave a spin where he stood to shiver out some of this creeping dread, and search around him for a less sticky place to sit. There was a sizable enough rock for him to park his butt on, up out of the mud, where he could start cleaning some of it out of his fur as he declared, "If we're going to really scare someone, we'd better cut out the extra steps where we also have to get down to the water. That sounds like a lot of work. A land-Kraken, is that something? Sounds delicious."

A man could do a hell of a lot with a ship and a single gun. Ed frowned, kicking a smattering of small rocks towards the cat in admonishment.

"Not the biggest fan of land these days, couldn't be sure," Ed shrugged, trying to think if he'd heard any tales of creatures like that.

"What would you do then, smarty-cat?"

Salem flinched, ears flattering back as he braced against the pebble assault, then went slinking down behind his rock with a sob for the gesture. He had to work very hard then to sound convincing and confident as he said, "Drop something right in the middle of town, where all of the food is. No one else knows how to deal with a giant goose or--Godzilla! No, a big blue ox!" Clearly delighted by this idea, Salem threw his head back to wail, "Yeehaw!," then started giggling enough that he continued through gasps, "Can you imagine their faces?"

The theatrics of it earned an amused laugh from Ed, who was coming around some on the cat despite himself.

"...I will admit, you have a mind for these things, Cat," he chuckled, "Even if you are a coward. What's a Godzilla?"

"You would be, too, if you didn't get to wear pants anymore," Salem pointed out. He had a lot of soft, exposed parts now, he couldn't be taking as many valiant and brave risks as he clearly did in his powerful, manly body.

"Godzilla is a star. You've never seen Godzilla? We've got to get a VCR out here. Do you think that box that prints money will give us a VCR?" It was going to be necessary research, after all. A box couldn't argue with that. "Then we can really shake this place up, make people know who's in charge and finally get something done around here. Crush a few buildings and they'll be kissing your feet."

"You used to be a man?" Unless he meant he had little cat pants, Ed supposed, but where would he get something like that?

"The fuck is a VCR?" Half the words this creature said didn't make sense. Though that fit in with just about everyone else in this place. His brow arched at that final sentiment. "Place could do with someone taking the reigns," he agreed.

Such an offensive misreading of the situation should have earned this witch a debilitating curse, and all Salem could conjure was a scoff and insistent, "I'm still a man! Just...temporarily embarrassed." So no one could possibly take him seriously. The punishment was working as intended. They could worry about teaching this guy about the few delights he was missing out on in the mortal realm after they secured Salem's due respect.

"No one else is up for the job, clearly. I've been sitting at that bar for weeks and not a single conspiracy or tiny little coup as even been discussed. We can't just keep living like this!"

"That right?" Ed smirked, crossing his arms and looking the cat over pointedly. "Why don't you change yourself back then? Don't tell me you're stuck like this."

"Mm..." Ed gave a low grumble of agreement. Things here were a bit stagnant for his tastes. He wanted excitement. He wanted passion. He wanted...a boat. But his skills in building one weren't what he had first hoped, it was taking longer than expected. So in the meantime...

"I could go for a little coup..."

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