07 | We All Have a Face That We Hide Away Forever

[sinistral]

WHO: the Soldier/the Winter Soldier (sinistral) and you
WHERE: Sh'Ka
WHAT: after helping Beck escape, the Winter Soldier was sent off-world for a mission; he's physically returned but mentally there's still a battle...
WHEN: conspicuously after Calibrations ended, for which he was conspicuously absent
WARNINGS: possible violence (please don't make me write a fight scene I'm not good at it); possible mention of violence; possible mention of mind control and actions performed without consent

---

SH'KA
→ Δ; Delta; Closed to Billy;

Sh'Ka. Or what appeared to be Sh'Ka; the Winter Soldier recognized that his current location didn't match his previous, but in trying to catalog the details of that previous locale he found he couldn't clearly capture them. It frustrated him, one of the few emotions he could feel. He needed to focus though; he didn't know how much time had elapsed since his last visit, or even since the start of the day. His main concern was shelter: hidden and defensible, and unknown to others.

He had equipment here in the city. Supplies. None of that could be trusted. No one—

He rolled his shoulder, the motion causing a ripple in the plating all down his left arm, and rose from his crouch behind a half-collapsed wall. He could still manage for half a day without sustenance, making the search for a place to shelter the highest priority. Enough of Sh'Ka was rock and rubble, grey and green and red—

Red red blood on the rocks on his hands on his face and it should be warm but all he knows is cold, cold, cold—

Red but not blood; the flutter of fabric on a breeze and a body wrapped in (impossible!) stars, a figure so viscerally real it hit the Winter Soldier as a physical blow.

→ η; Eta; Closed to Reeve;

The quiet hours of twilight and predawn, with the night in between, felt the most comfortable to him. The days seemed too unnaturally long; the alien sun had too piercing a gaze. Night harbored the dangerous things; he belonged to it.

Night let him slip into the greenhouse when he needed food. Not enough for his metabolism to truly be satisfied but enough to remain functional, especially supplemented with what he could gather from the trees. The big house seemed to hold some amenities but too much in activity; he ruled it out quickly. That left the fountain— or—

He sat on the lip surrounding the basin. The fountain, or something related to it, was important for some reason. He didn't know why, or to what part of him it pertained. Water, but that didn't feel right. Power, but again it didn't resonate completely. Something of a sense of watching, but also of physical work. That he really couldn't reconcile.

Too soon he finished eating the meager meal — and not soon enough, as true morning was nearly upon him. He still needed to secure a place to rest, and to perhaps attempt to sort out the new confusion sitting by the broken fountain caused.

→ ε; Epsilon; Open;

It didn't matter which personality had control; both were highly skilled in moving covertly and Sh'Ka's landscape certainly aided that pursuit. When the Soldier didn't want to be found he could evade most people, and right now he didn't want to be found.

Except—

He shook his head and pressed his right hand to his temple; the migraine from this morning showed no signs of abating. Add to that the feeling (paranoia?) of being followed; he committed to a circuitous route to his temporary shelter and already cursed the distance. But a straight path would lead his pursuit right to—

Boots on pavement; harsh voices; crisp winter air. Training exercise, training exercise, training accident——

A sharp inhale; the exhale a curse emphatically muttered in Russian. Look right, look left, step—

And whirl around, knife in hand to meet the threat.

→ μ; Mu; Wildcard;

Open to other ideas. Please reach out to me at sometimesamuse or via PM for plotting needs. As always while I write starters in prose I'm happy to match brackets if that's your preference.

Comments

[sinistral]

Finding a path forward through the warring pieces of his brain proved more difficult than he could have anticipated. Fortunately it led him to inaction more than violence, though a large part of that could probably be attributed to Billy himself.

Act normal, Beck's orders stated.

Protect Billy, something deeper inside urged.

"Nyet," he finally answered with some effort. He couldn't tell Billy. But could Billy tell from his own words? Part of him hoped for as much, even as he knew hope meant nothing. "I— comply."

[wearingthestars]

Brow furrowed, Billy seemed to have at least a small understanding of what that meant, though he was struggling to come up with a way to fix things. That want- with no outlet- manifested itself in glowing hands which he tried to shake away.

"It's Beck, isn't it? Can you even answer that? I..." He let out a frustrated huff at the situation, eyes jumping quickly back to Soldier to assure him that frustration had nothing to do with him. "You could come back with me. I can keep him away from you. I can-...I'll figure it out, I swear."

[sinistral]

Could he answer? No. Could he consent to go with Billy? Also no, not with Billy stating intention of shielding him from Beck.

Could he change the subject? Yes, albeit fighting a part of himself for every word.

"I still did it," he echoed words and inflection Billy had used months ago, when the younger man had presented a suppressor and asked the Soldier to use it should he need. Billy had asked the Soldier to disable him should he lose control of his powers; the Soldier couldn't tell Billy directly that he'd lost his own control, pulled right out of his own mind by HYDRA's programming. And he couldn't ask for Billy's help in breaking free of that hold.

[wearingthestars]

Oh. Billy remembered that day...those words, and what'd asked of Soldier. He looked unsure, doubting himself, along with his interpretation of what Soldier was saying.

"...can I try a spell?" he asked, gesturing faintly with his hands. It didn't seem right to not at least try to ask for Soldier's consent, given everything that had been done to his mind over the centuries against his will. That and he didn't want to trigger an offensive response if he just started in without warning.

[sinistral]

His mouth opened and closed again. Billy probably saw more struggle in this single interaction than the Soldier had ever shown, in a battle none could fight with him. It had taken him months to truly learn to think for himself and while Beck hadn't wiped him, the control still held tight.

Finally he managed to nod his head, the closest thing to consent that he could manage. He forced his fingers to open as well, the knife falling to the ground; immediately he itched with the desire to pick it back up again.

Hopefully Billy would also remember the part of the conversation where the Soldier advised using extreme force should Billy need to stop him. Just in case.

[wearingthestars]

Watching the knife fall, Billy resisted the urge to close the gap between now that Soldier was unarmed.

He took a moment to choose his words, gaze locked with Soldier before he started chanting.

"IwantSoldier'smindtobehisown. IwantSoldier'smindtobehisown. IwantSoldier'smindtobehisown-"

Billy tried to put his whole focus and will to the spell, eyes glowing in addition to his hands.

[sinistral]

A battle within and without, the Soldier dropping his head into his hands and hissing. It felt like the migraines he experienced from trying too hard to remember things, except more intensely sudden. The Winter Soldier didn't truly retreat, there was no grand transition from one mind to another, but he did have a general sense of fog lifting.

He didn't know how long he spent like that, how much time passed before he looked back up to see if Billy was still there. Cruel if it was just a trick after all, or nothing more than his imagination.

"...Billy?"

[wearingthestars]

For the briefest of moments Billy hesitated to continue, brow creased with concern as he made himself repeat the chant despite the pain it seemed to be causing.

He was very nearly ready to give up when Soldier's gaze met his again, and relief spread over Billy's face at the sound of his name. He gave a hopeful smile, the glow fading away, and Billy tense with holding himself back from throwing his arms around Soldier for a second time.

"...did it work?"

[sinistral]

"I was triggered," he replied, quietly but somewhat rushed, as if trying to outrun an invisible timer. Billy needed to know, as soon as possible Before something dragged him back under. "Beck obtained the book with my triggers. He injected me with a toxin and activated me."

He met Billy's gaze again, before his own slid away. "You came to find me." He didn't know how he felt about it. Billy wouldn't lie, he could sense that, but that didn't explain why he was here.

[wearingthestars]

Triggered. Billy frowned, hearing it confirmed, heart aching for Soldier. He felt a dangerous flare of anger towards Beck, one he tried to push aside in favour of focusing on Soldier. "I knew you wouldn't do that." Soldier was a good person, he wouldn't hurt Felwinter, wouldn't free someone who had tried to kill one of them.

"Of course I did," he assured, taking a half step closer, "I tried before, but-...I couldn't find you. I thought-" He cut himself off, not wanting to finish that thought.

"...we'll keep him away from you," he swore, "We can find the book. Make sure no one can use you like that-"

[sinistral]

"I still did it." An echo of an echo, and Billy would probably understand how complicated those feelings were.

He watched Billy shift closer, weighed it against the way he acted when he found the Soldier, the ferocity and desperation in his hug. The idea of someone worrying about him wasn't completely foreign but it was novel. "I'm still here." A beat. "Come closer, you can prove it to yourself. I promise not to hurt you."

He steadfastly ignored the ache that the idea of hiding behind Billy caused. He should be able to take care of himself and his needs.

[wearingthestars]

"...I know. I'm sorry," Billy acknowledged, understanding well enough not to try and argue. It was still him. Still his body. And he was the one that had to carry it with him. Billy remembered exactly how complicated that feeling was, and he hadn't been made to do even a fraction of the things Soldier had over his lifetime.

"Yeah?" he asked hopefully, not worried about Soldier hurting him, but surprised to be granted permission. He fought with trying to restrain himself, much the same way Soldier seemed to when faced with relaxing, and he couldn't help but steal another hug, albeit a little less desperate than the first.

"...I really missed you," he admitted against Soldier's chest, "I'm so sorry, Soldier..."

[sinistral]

Sometimes the most important thing was giving another person something he needed. For as much as the Soldier kept from touching others, he recognized it as a need. Touch starvation, he'd heard it called; it didn't matter how fancy the name, he didn't allow it to apply to him. But billy clearly needed the touch and the reassurance that came with physical contact.

And Billy's hug, arms wrapped around him and face pressed to his chest, felt grounding. He hadn't experienced that feeling with another person in a long time. Slowly he wrapped his right arm around his companion, letting Billy stay close. Just for a little while, he told himself. Just long enough for Billy to satisfy his desire to see the Soldier in one piece. It didn't matter that he hadn't had enough sleep or food in a while, what mattered was giving Billy what he needed.

"You shouldn't have to apologize," he answered eventually. "You're allowed to feel things." And really it was the Soldier's fault that Billy felt abandoned by him in the first place. "And nothing about my situation is your fault."

[wearingthestars]

Feeling Soldier slowly return the hold, even that little bit, loosed some of the tension still in Billy's shoulders, not that he was even really aware of what a relief it was.

He finally pulled back, a bit reluctant to draw away but aware he'd all ready made Soldier compromise on his personal space for far longer than the other man was typically comfortable with.

"So are you," Billy reminded gently, but he nodded his understanding.

"You must be exhausted," he guessed, "Would you rather stay here in Sh'ka for now, or do you wanna try and catch the train back? You can get some rest and I can keep watch for you?"

[sinistral]

He closed his eyes with that small permissive statement; he still struggled to reconcile anything akin to an emotion. Especially when the two sides of him fought so desperately against each other.

"I—" His expression twisted, because he didn't really have much of a camp right now. The space he used prior to the encounter with Beck had been abandoned; others knew of it, and he was ordered to lay low. Presently he'd been sleeping wherever he could, pushing himself until he fell over from exhaustion. "I don't have a camp."

[wearingthestars]

"I can magic up a tent," he offered, thinking Soldier looked too worn out to scout out a new location he'd feel safe enough in.

"Or we hop the train. You can nap if you want, and I can make you up a bed back at our place."

[sinistral]

"You don't have to." He'd be hard pressed to refuse if Billy insisted, both from exhaustion and from the relief of someone else making decisions for him. He knew the dangers of starting down that path but he just felt so tired. Surely he could trust a few decisions to Billy? Just until he could rest, and quiet the war in his head.

He looked at Billy, then bent to pick up the knife and slide it back into its sheath. "Do you really want the argument that you know will come from your brother if you try to bring me there?" Tommy's overprotective nature could be a bit too much and while the Soldier didn't necessarily disagree with it in this case, he also didn't want Billy to have to deal with it. It had hurt Billy enough the last time he fought with Tommy; the Soldier didn't want to be the cause of a similar spat.

[wearingthestars]

"I know," Billy assured, "I wouldn't offer if I didn't want to."

His lips twitched a bit coyly, and he winced a little. It definitely was something he should probably talk to his brother about before springing on him. And Peter too. Though maybe that many people around wasn't the space to thrust Soldier into right now.

"Let's try camping to start, and once you've rested up we can talk more," he offered, looking around for some where that might fit Soldier's previous requirements without requiring a long hike, but that could keep them relatively out of sight. He knew from experience that if Soldier didn't give a clear yes or no from the start that it was difficult to get a decision out of him, and when Billy was distressed it helped to have someone else take charge in a way.

"I think over this way would work," he suggested, leaving room for Soldier to object, but trying to sound less questioning than usual.

[sinistral]

Yes Billy, it's only polite to warn your housemates before bringing strange men home to sleep.

He truly believed that he didn't deserve this kindness but the part of him that needed structure latched onto the chance to relinquish decision making for a while. Follow Billy. Sleep where he indicated. He could do that. And though he was exhausted, he wanted to ask Billy about the limits of his magic, about what could happen should he become the Winter Soldier while he slept.

He turned his head in the direction Billy indicated, trying to remember what he'd scouted of the place. "There is a structure less than a mile away. It will be suitable." It had no door, just a pile of rubble and greenery, but the Soldier could break enough of it away for them to slip inside.

He planned to follow Billy, move whatever needed moving, and collapse face down on the ground. Totally normal things.