revivalproject | Closed; The devil in the wires

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Closed; The devil in the wires

WHO: Thrawn and Eli Vanto
WHERE: Greenhouse
WHAT: Eli has been ~~brooding~~ thinking and Thrawn has noticed.
WHEN: After Eli's conversation with Poe
WARNINGS: None anticipated

Thrawn was not suited to these sorts of tasks. Things like watering seedlings, weeding areas by hand, or simply washing the dishes that were reused for mealtimes. Not suited to it because he was often bored but not because he balked at handling such mundane chores. He could do and did whatever Eli asked of him without complaint.

But Eli had been quiet and withdrawn recently. And Thrawn internally agonized over whether it would be better to investigate anything that had bothered Eli or whether Thrawn needed to bide his peace and let Eli wrestle with his demons on his own. In the end, he temporized and after washing out mugs in a bucket of gray water (which consisted of water that had first been used to wash the dirt off vegetables) he used that as an excuse to speak with Eli.

He found Eli easily enough outside the actual greenhouse and walked over to sit down next to him. He held the bucket by the handle and set it down in front of them both.

"Did you wish to pour this out over the squash vines still?"

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Thrawn graced Eli with one of his rare smiles though this one was rueful at its edges.

"If you had defected on your own, you would not have been able to stay at a 'Grand Admiral's' side."

But it is worth noting that Thrawn did not say 'stay at my side'. And perhaps there was another place and another time when it might have been possible to stay with each other, come what may. But Thrawn first joined the Empire for a larger reason than what he wanted for himself. Thrawn did not want to think about having to make a choice between his own people and Eli. Or what that choice would cost him either way.

"Vanto...when the Stalwart found me I was in exile."

Granted, he hadn't been that way for more than a few months but the point still remained. He was an exile as well as undertaking an extended mission. The first meant that he would not be returning to the Chiss Empire.

Ever.

".....But even after your mission? They wouldn't accept you?" Eli frowned and looked at his own hands. Just when he thought he was starting to understand the Chiss, he was wrong.

"Then I should have stayed by your side. Whether or not you are a Grand Admiral."

While this hadn't been what was weighing on his mind, it had always been at the back of his mind.

You have yet to see how far the Ascendancy can take their punishments, Eli. Thrawn had not meant to bring up his own situation when he came over to speak with Eli.

"I do not think that it was the Empire versus the Ascendancy that has caused you to be introspective."

Edited (ARG done now) 2019-12-09 23:47 (UTC)

"....To a point it was. But...Poe views us as bad people. That we have become people to be feared and hated. My uniform visibly made him uncomfortable and based on it alone he was already forming what person I was. To a degree I can relate to that we all do it.

I'm used to be openly mocked and believed to be stupid. Yet, it was a new notion to now be viewed as evil. I had never realized how much our people have become so....dark...

They used the weapon, Thrawn. Our people eventually lost the war because of relying on that weapon. As you had predicted. I used to have such pride for this uniform, including adjusting it to the Ascendancy. Yet now...I don't know."

Thrawn said nothing for a long moment. He was not surprised that it had been used. Disappointed but not surprised. The fact that the Empire was viewed now as evil was troubling, but largely because this part of the Galaxy had not seen what true evil was yet.

"All governments are a body of people. People that are usually, notably, ungoverned. The Empire was corrupted, and yes the Ascendancy is in many ways too, but I went to the Empire because it had a naval Force, not for its moral fiber. It may have been a tyrannical government, but quick and ruthless action is often required when the galaxy is threatened by what true evil consists of. As there were some people within the Empire that you did not like, so too will there be people in the Ascendancy that you do not like either. That does not make the lives of those you do like worth any less."

"But....what does that make me? Am I a monster too-- having served the Empire? I agree to your view of what the Empire is and understood it going in. Yet I wasn't expecting it to go down such a path as that one. I was naive to think that even when they were building the weapon that something might change."

Eli stated, wringing his own hands in the stress of the subject. He was aware that there wasn't going to be people he liked where ever he went. That was a fact of life. But to label them all bad? That he didn't believe in.

"What do you think that makes you? I agree that you were naive to think when they were building a weapon capable of destroying planets something may change. But ask Poe what happened after the Empire fell. Was there something to replace it? Or did chaos reign throughout the galaxy. The Empire was deeply flawed but you knew that already. So the question really is how much do you allow yourself to be defined by who you work for?"

But then again Thrawn has been labeled a monster already.

"I was already called a traitor, but I shrugged that off. It's more my folks and their buisness I'm worried about. What falls on me falls on them. I just wanted to do some good and it seems I picked the wrong thing to do. I know if I had stuck around with my family buisness I wouldn't have been able to do that. It's why I went.

I'm really not sure what to think at the moment or how I define myself. I'm trying to sort through this new information and my feelings with it. I had a feeling you wouldn't be too phased by this."

He never really did ask Poe who had replaced the Empire. He had only asked about his people. Maybe another time He would ask. He had been too overwhelmed by the news to think about it.

Thrawn was never one to dwell on what might have been since it skirted too closely on speculation. But in this instance, it sounds very much like Eli was definitely thinking about it now that he knew what happened to the Empire.

"Do you regret your decision to join, now?"

The question is asked with the same totally neutral facial expression that Thrawn has had throughout. He may not show it at all, and usually would not seek an answer in the first place, but since Eli joining the Empire had such a profound impact on his own life Thrawn was deeply invested in Eli's answer.

"No. I don't regret it. Even though things have gotten dark, I'm still glad I went. There are still a lot of fond memories that out weigh the negative. As much as I had been upset at you changing my career around....I'm glad you had. You changed me into a person I never thought I could have become. You're actually the one person that really paid attention to me and believed I could be something I didn't think I could."

Eli quietly replied and hesitantly reached up to take hold of Thrawn's free hand to wrap it around his. He knew the other wasn't us fond physical signs of affection, but they weren't in public.

The heat radiating up Thrawn's arm rode the line between intense pleasure and the beginnings of pain. But since it came as an answer to Thrawn's question about joining the Empire and thus encountering him which was pleasant enough all on its own, he felt a strange sort of feeling he had no name for curling through his belly. So his body decided to label the feeling as intense pleasure. He couldn't stop it because it was involuntary but he inhaled hard when Eli's hand touch his skin to skin. Then let the breath out on a shaking sigh.

Usually, he did not like showing affection physical or otherwise, but right at this moment there was no one to see. So hesitantly Thrawn allowed his fingers to tighten around Eli's. When Thrawn spoke again his voice was somewhat hoarse.

"You give me too much credit. You had all the abilities of leadership already. Those abilities simply needed to be honed."

He remembered the last time they had held hands when Thrawn was leading them through the caves. He remembered Thrawn being cool to the touch, but it seemed different for the Chiss. It had been experience he had never dealt with before. He also noted how he seemed to have a harder time talking.

There was a pause before Eli pulled Thrawn into a full hug. "I don't know. You saw something there that I didn't know existed. But. There is one thing I do know-- is my feelings for you. My loyalty toward you knows no bounds. I will do what ever it is you ask. But I don't want to loose this chance to tell you, I care for you a lot. More then just a soldier under your command, your aid, or as a friend should. I'll understand if you don't share those feelings back... I won't act on them if that's the case."

Eli stumbled out the words. His hands shook slightly and he knew his own voice was thick. He just knew he had to say it now before he lost his nerve to. Granted this wasn't what the original concern had been but it had left an opening to what had been unsaid before.

Before there had been very little skin to skin contact. Technically Eli held onto Thrawn's wrist, and while pleasant, it was not as emotionally charged as this moment had become.

Thrawn still did not know what to do about hugs or how he should act when receiving them. He stiffened a bit and held his arms out to hover around Eli, profoundly unsure. What Eli was suggesting....did he want that too? Thrawn was uncertain about that. But they were a long way from the Empire and they weren't in a commander and subordinate role anymore.

Slowly, with great care, his hand slid behind the collar on Eli's uniform until that hand was (somewhat possessively) holding onto the back of Eli's neck. Thrawn's voice was still rough but now it was quieter, for Eli alone to hear;

"I have only ever wanted to see your smile. I require nothing in return for that. But if you allow me to, I will do all in my power to find ways that will continue to make you smile."

Eli could only smile broadly and nodded before resting his head against Thrawn's chest, his arms still wrapped around the chiss. He was still trembling slightly from the emotions he was feeling and the excitement that Thrawn responded positively to him.

"This is just enough for now. We'll figure out things as we continue on." He replied in a soft tone once he felt confident enough to speak. There was still a slight tremble, but his voice wasn't as thick either.

Thrawn still felt incredibly awkward but he did have to admit Eli resting against his chest was more than a little pleasant. Very gently the ends of his fingers combed through the short hairs on the back of Eli's neck.

"Since this is enough, as you say, it is still what the Empire did that upsets you? Or that it has become what others call 'evil'?"

Briefly, Eli contented himself with listening to Thrawn's heart beat. It was slower then a human's, but nothing too abnormal. It was comforting along with Thrawn's fingers running through the hairs of the back of his neck.

"It's a mixture of both. I understand the logic and tactics behind the thinking of operating the weapon. It's such a waste of life. What will you do when you wipe out every living thing? Or have it so bad that people are terrified of you? There's not much to claim at that point."

"I believe your view of what fear means is different from how The Emporer views it. It is not destruction by itself. It is the fear of that weapon being used on the various planets that Palpatine intends to make use of."

Thrawn was of the strong opinion that capital warships supported by smaller fighter craft were both strong enough and flexible enough to be superior to the Death Star. But the Emporer had not agreed

"However, I do agree that the project is a waste of resources."

"Regardless, I'm not thrilled that we've gone to such a path. War is war, but I still value lives if we can help it. This is just a senseless act of destruction. I suppose in the end I will share what ever fate becomes of us."

Eli stated finally resigning himself to idea he wouldn't be able to change the knowledge he learned.

"It is not senseless. There is a reason for that level of destruction if only to inspire the fear of the use of the weapon itself."

And here is the major difference between who Thrawn was when he first came to the Empire and who he has become since. He's been punished so many times for doing the right thing that he no longer has whatever small sense of empathy he started with all those years ago.

"Palpatine intended to use it to end the rebellion. I had my own misgivings when I learned of the existence of the weapon but wasteful or not it did inspire fear."

He gave a wary sigh and closed his eyes.

"Was that the type of fear you were hoping to find and use against your enemy? Do you think it would have solved everything? Or do you think they would have found a way to use it against us?" He quietly asked.

Thrawn frowned. His fingertips stopped moving. He spoke haltingly, as though he were working through the logic as he talked about it.

"....no. Fear is not a useful weapon in this instance. I do not know if it could be used against us in turn...but the possibility is there."

"Seeing that the Empire relied on fear to win the war and lost... It shows that even a strong military organization was unable to meet the demands you were hoping to find. You had hoped that he would eventually listen to your reason, but even after all that you have done and proven to him, he chose to not listen. "

Eli calmly stated. He was not phased by the way Thrawn spoke. He was used to how he handle things especially in a topic like this. "I feel he was simply exploiting what he could from you and eventually he would dispose of you once you outlive your resourcefulness..."

Thrawn said nothing. He knew Palpatine was using him. Thrawn had offered his services for just that purpose. He was still of the opinion that the Empire would have had another leader in time, but from what he understood there had been a political vacuum left behind in the wake of the Emporer and Darth Vader's death and since nature abhors a vacuum the Empire had collapsed and was replaced.

At the moment, at least, there was nothing to be done about it. Thrawn's fingertips found the back of Eli's neck again.

Noting that Thrawn didn't reply back, Eli accepted the fact that he was correct in his assumptions. This also meant that Thrawn had nothing to justify himself or his actions for what may be going on back at home or what could happen. He would continue to be doing what the Emperor asked of him.

"Let's just head back to our place. The work is done for now here," Eli said softly. He didn't want to dwell on the topic anymore it was becoming more disheartening.

There was more to the situation than Eli knew. Although Thrawn did not want to dwell on the situation any more than Eli did o he continued saying nothing.

Standing up, Thrawn actually offered a hand up back to Eli.

Allowing a small smile to show, Eli accepted Thrawn's hand. "Can you stay with me tonight? I don't want to be alone after everything," he hesitantly asked.

It was new territory for them and he wasn't sure what was considered too quick or what was comfortable for them. He knew he simply just wanted the other's company and not be alone to dwell longer on what was discussed.

The warmth of Eli's skin felt as though he had a furnace inside his body. The difference between Thrawn and Eli's skin temperature made a tingling sensation race up Thrawn's arm following the initial feeling of heat.

Thrawn frowned a bit at first. If Eli had not added the second part to his question it is likely that Thrawn would have politely refused. But if it was just a question of being physically present then Thrawn felt he would be able to do that.

"if you wish."

"Thank you," Eli replied and allowed his own smile to broaden. He enjoyed feeling Thrawn's cool touch against his.

He lead them back to their place and up to his room. It would probably be the first real sleep he had in a long time. Instead of the constant worry that kept him from sleeping easy.

Thrawn followed Eli to the same place that he'd been living. Thrawn had only recently taken up residence there and rather pointedly had a different room from Eli's.

When he agreed to stay in Eli's room it had seemed straightforward enough. When they were actually there Thrawn...didn't actually know what to do, It had been some time since there had been anyone but him in his bed. And the idea of sharing Eli's...well it was daunting.

Eli had began his process of getting ready for bed, when he sensed Thrawn's hesitation. He began to wonder if his simple request had been too much for the other. He didn't want to pressure Thrawn if that were the case.

"...If this is too much too soon, I can understand if you wish to back out." Eli softly replied as he anxiously played with the bottom of his tunic. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

Thrawn shook his head.

"It is not that. It is more about the simple fact that I feel...awkward about whatever it is I am meant to do."

The fact Thrawn admitted to being awkward was the first time he had done so since coming to the Empire.

"We're just sharing the bed?" Eli replied, tilting his head a bit a little confused by Thrawn's awkwardness over it.

"I found listening to your heart beat calming. I had hoped that perhaps sleeping next to you it would present a more restful night and help me not dwell on the recent subjects we discussed." he carefully explained. "I admit that I've never really asked of this before with anyone else."

That...sort of helped? It made Thrawn feel incredibly flattered at any rate. Somehow knowing that this was new territory for Eli too was what really helped the most. Thrawn cleared his throat once.

"It will also be a first for me. Therefore I feel a sense of awkwardness"

Because Thrawn wasn't very good at being in an unknown situation. There wasn't a lot of room in Eli's bed so Thrawn couldn't fully stretch out. He thought to himself it would be more practical to get a larger mattress. Well if Eli thought to make a habit of this, that is.

Eli relaxed once he saw that Thrawn was okay with everything. He knew that explaining would help especially since a lot of times sharing a bed usually meant sex was involved. He wanted to let Thrawn know that wasn't his intentions and he wasn't ready for such a step yet. For some reason Eli was taking this relationship more carefully then most.

In the past he usually sought company for the night by hooking up at the local bar at home or in the lower areas of Coruscant when they had to report back to home base for a while. None of them were serious relationships and something he wanted to continue.

Now everything was different. He also noted that the mattress wouldn't accommodate Thrawn's height very well. "We'll have to look for another mattress later...But....for now please just let me know if anything makes you uncomfortable. I'll do the same too."

Apparently it was going to be a habit after all. Not that Thrawn would have anything to say about that. Eli's bed wasn't really meant for 2 people either so Thrawn and Eli would have had to be very close together. Again not that Thrawn was complaining.

Thrawn was at least courteous enough to take his boots off before laying out the best he could on top of the covers in Eli's bed. He had never had anything as warming as bed linens and would very likely not even realize they were there.

Eli slipped off his boots and tunic before he awkwardly climbed into bed trying to situate himself where he wasn't going to shove Thrawn off the bed or make him too uncomfortable. He wrapped his arms around Thrawn before placing his head against his chest. He did manage to have it so the blankets were around him and not over Thrawn since he knew the Chiss didn't really use the blankets.

For another moment Thrawn felt awkward but as Eli leaned against his chest that disappeared. It wasn't possible to do anything else. So very hesitantly, Thrawn did put an arm around Eli. The other arm was being used as a pillow for now.

He gave a small smile pleased to see Thrawn draping an arm around him. He hadn't been expecting that at all. Listening to Thrawn's heart beat and the protective arm around him, Eli felt safe for the first time in a good while. He visibly began to relax and drift into sleep.

Thrawn didn't sleep as much as a human but he hadn't mentioned that. So as Eli went to sleep Thrawn was still very much awake. Another time might have seemed odd to both of them to stare. But right now Thrawn did not hesitate to watch Eli sleep. And to wonder how Eli had managed to come to mean so much him.

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Closed; The devil in the wires

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